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Bill Lees

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Everything posted by Bill Lees

  1. A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"
  2. Are you Frankie Hepburn?
  3. I refer you to my previous remark. Heterosexuals do not have a monopoly on being weird. I really hope you're not implying that I thought him to be weird because of his sexual orientation, because I didn't. I'd be grateful if you could just clarify that.
  4. Oh, and 7. The way the one that gets picked to choose the box numbers has to do a wee bow or curtsey to the others as they walk out to the "crazy chair".
  5. Mind you, talking about taking it seriously, I heard about a guy whose daughter has actually applied to be on the show. Fancy that, eh?
  6. Was he? How do you know? Did he declare himself so to be? Or did you just make that assumption because his manner was rather camp? I do hope not. Anyway, his sexual orientation is quite irrelevent. He was feckin' weird.
  7. You reckon I take it seriously, Jim? Wonder where you got that notion. It's often one of the funniest game shows on telly.
  8. I find the game itself oddly fascinating, but: 1. The way they all pretend to be the absolute best of mates, to the point almost of mutual masturbation. 2. When all the contestants except the one opening the box join hands and wave up and down in a kind of demented version of Auld Lang Syne in an attempt to magic a small amount of dosh into the box. 3. When the audience all chant "BLUE ! BLUE! BLUE! BLUE!" just before a box gets opened (though this does double the enjoyment when the box contains a big red 250K) 4. Whenever the tosser opening the box says - completly un-necessarily - "I hope it's a blue for you". 5. When the geezer picking the boxes tries to whip the audience into a frenzy. 6. That weird f**ker that sang a bloody song every time he opened his box. Ooops, sorry, that's more than 5........
  9. Since I've had my broadband connection, I often leave my machine on overnight with the monitor switched off ( I have two firewalls, up-to-date Norton Anti-Virus and Norton Anti-Spam running). Invariably in the morning, some applications seem spontaneously to have started themselves - usually Windows Explorer, Outlook, Real Player. Sometimes the machine has even powered itself down. Virus scans reveal no infections, spyware, or such like, and things seem to be running as fast as ever. Anybody know what is going on? Is it acned f**kwits attempting to hack their way into my system? Why are these applications starting up themselves? Would it be better to turn the damned machine off overnight? Answers on the usual virtual postcard please......
  10. You mean Mr. Sulu is gay ????
  11. More 4. However, I think the current series may just have ended last night. I have 3 series on DVD you could borrow if you like.
  12. Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet by Gavin Bryars. Ironic (given BL's take on "faith")? Probably. Deeply moving nevertheless? Undoubtedly.
  13. Simpsons aside, All pish. There is really only one other that's any good - Curb Your Enthusiasm.
  14. "Sizzling Saints" was pretty good. I remember being a bit disappointed when it went official.
  15. Yes, I'll drink to that. There's something about the cut of his jib that I just do not like.
  16. Oh feck. So Big Eileen's a succubus? How do you explain the 8 foot high counter in the menswear department, then?
  17. The really weird thing is, if had to be an actress from Coronation Street, why couldn't it have been this one? :
  18. This is she, Chingo : Starange, eh? Perhaps I should stress that I didn't actually shag her - it was just a dream.
  19. Trouble is, those are all too, too boringly predictable. Take last night for example. In a vividly remembered dream featuring "adult content", I was in the menswear department of a large department store, where for some reason the shop assistant, who stood behind a 8 foot high counter looking down at me, was Big Eileen the taxi-controller from Coronation Street. It took longer than expected to process my credit card purchase of jeans and a shirt, so that the shop had shut by the time Big Eileen led me downstairs to the furnishings department where she and I enjoyed a session of mutual carnal pleasure. All very, very strange, and I don't understand any of it. I should add that it thankfully wasn't a "wet" dream.
  20. A selection from the past week or so: Ben Webster: King of the Tenors. Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis. Compay Segundo - Calle Salud. Paco De Lucia - Cancion Del Fuego. Cannonball Adderley - Stars Shone On Alabama. Danny Wilson - Mary's Prayer Abdullah Ibrahim - The Mountain. Django Reinhardt - Minor Swing. The Band - Stage Fright. Ruby Turner - There's No Better Love. Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds.
  21. Bill Lees

    Top 5...

    tash.bmp End of discussion.
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