Tariq Aziz

There is,you'll agree,a certain je ne sais quoi,hmm,so very special,about a firm,young carrot'.

Bassa.I heard I'd tried to defect,but I didn't know some fecker had shot me too.

'...and don't call me Shirley'. 'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetimines'. 'Oveur?' 'Unger?' 'Oveur?' 'Dunn?'

Here's a link to a Full Metal Jacket soundboard. <<click here>> It takes a while to load up (it's about 500k),but it's worth the wait. It's a still picture from the movie with various text quotes from the drill sergeant on it. Just click on the quotes to hear them. The drill sergeant had a plethora of fecking immortal lines in that film,and he probably looked so convincing in the role because he was drill sergeant in real life. Some examples: 'Hey,I like you,you can come over to my house and f**k my sister!' 'You had best unf**k yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!' 'The best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the matress.'

1.I wish I had a seat behind that big green pole. 2.When is the replay? 3.That's Ludo's second shut-out in a row. 4.There's hardly anyone here with ginger hair. 5.I see all of their die hard season ticket holders have turned out.

These aren't necessarily my top five,or are in any particular order,but they all made me smile. 1.Junior Mendes at Raith Rovers in 1999/2000. The most happy I've ever been inside a football stadium.Incredible scenes. 2.Paul McKnight against Falkirk a couple of weeks later. I was in the black section of the main stand,and I had an absolute twat of a Falkirk fan sitting right behind me.It turned out that he was actually an ex-player,and he was a wee loudmouthed c*nt who was doing his best to antagonise everyone around him.It would be an understatement to say that I turned into 'King Smugbassa,ruler of the Smugites from planet Smug,and perpetrator of much smugness',when McKnight struck. 3.Gardner Speirs' last minute penalty against Dundee Utd at Love Street around 1987. There was a mass exodus of wee guys (including me) from the northbank as we crowded round behind the goal for a better view,then tried to spot ourselves on telly the next day.Those were the days. ;) 4.Johnny McMillan at Dens Park around 1996ish. We'd led for nearly the whole game,but Chic Charnley scored a sneaky equaliser for Dundee.We thought we had to settle for a point until there was a hilarious defensive mix-up between the centre half and their French 'keeper Michel Pageud which left McMillan with the ball at his feet,six yards from the open goal.It all happened right in front of the travelling support too. 5.Mark Yardley at Cappielow this season. We'd been hearing about what the tail o' the bankers were going to do to us ever since the draw had been made.They were so sure they were going to do us over.I read a thread on the Morton forum where they were all discussing the vast sums of money they had bet on a Morton win. They were even more confident when we lost 4-0 at home and sacked our manager the week before we played them.They went 2-0 up and the cowshed were giving it laldy.Even when we pulled it back to 2-2 they couldn't have imagined the final insult that was in store.Mark Yardley,the man they love to hate,who was in the worst shape of his entire career, waltzed through their defence like John Barnes in the Maracana to well and truly ram Morton's bravado where the sun don't shine.Superb stuff.

I posted here by mistake.

There used to be a guy who stood in the Northbank in the early 1980s who could be guaranteed to shout,'We want a manager,WE WANT A MANAGER',every single week no matter who the manager was or how the game was going.I wonder if anyone else remembers this fruitcake? Duing the same era,there was also the,'Plaaay fooootball Abba-crombee' guy. I once saw a guy,who had been sitting alone in silence in a deserted part of the stand at Stark's Park for a full 80 minutes,suddenly leap to his feet and scream,'ACH JESUS CHRIST' at the top of his voice.Then he sat back down again. Something must have momentarily pushed him over the edge.