Dirty Sanchez

Is it true that the title of Elvis' movie 'Love Me Tender' was just a cryptic request for prolonged,rough sex?

World In Action Anyone remember who was responsible for this tune? I think it was some prog rock outfit or something like that.

The Littlest Hobo. The first three notes to this theme used to (or maybe still do) precede every tannoy announcement at Glasgow Central station. 'Bing-bonnnng-bing'.

I was digging through my archives the other night when I came across (ooh err) a match report for the 2-2 draw with Morton in 1993/94. We had some bloke called Paul Lambert sent off after just three minutes,but we still managed to snatch (ooh err) a late equaliser from Norrie McWhirter's Beckham style free-kick in the last minute. The Soapdodgers weren't impressed at all,and I recall one of their players booting the baw to f*ck in frustration at the final whistle. The West Terracing had been demolished but the Caley Stand hadn't been built yet,so the area behind the goal was being used as a car park,and some enterprising punters had parked a big lorry there and sat on its roof for a free view of the game.It was easily the best ever goal celebration to have taken place on the roof of a lorry.

Paul Kinnaird gave us a couple of gems. When he scored his first ever senior goal (after he'd played for f**k knows how many clubs) against Motherwell at Love Street he celebrated so much that he admitted to being 'knackered' when he was finished. He followed that up by jumping into the old Beach End at Pittodrie after his bobbling 25-yarder somehow found the net. The old Pittodrie trips were brilliant.Christ knows how good they would have been if we'd actually managed to pick up any points while we were up there?

Who remembers the Northbank bursting into a chorus of 'Rulolph the red nosed reindeer' when Gordon Strachan broke his blood spattered nose when he was playing for Aberdeen at Love Street? A few non-Saints efforts worth a mention: 'There's only two Andy Gorams'. Motherwell fans at Ibrox when Andy Goram withdrew from the Scotland squad due his mental health. 'Are Scotland in disguise?' Sung by one of the opponents of Craig Brown's Preston North End this season. 'There's too many polis' Sung by the Tartan army when the poils nearly outnumbered the fans when we played Chile in the Rous Cup in 1989. 'Fergie's wife's got foot and mouth' JJs at Dunfermline.

I remember a game at Dunfermline about 10 years ago when Norrie McCathie lobbed his own keeper with a peach of a header to give us the lead. Of course,we gave him pelters and rubbed it in throughout the match......until one of our mob equalised for Dunfermline with a similarly bizarre o.g.

I got a knockback at the Tannadice boys gate when I was only 14.The polis and stewards were a bunch of pr1cks about it.I was used to being quizzed about my age so I came prepared with my birth certificate,which I didn't normally even have to show because the turnstyle guys can tell you're genuine just by talking you. These w**ks made me pay into the adults gate as they all chuckled amongst themselves and made a fool out of me for trying to kid-on I was under 16,even though I was genuinely only 14. Here's the satisfying bit. Seven years later I was paying into Tannadice when the arsehole on the turnstyle accidentally gave me two fivers instead of two £1 notes in my change. This meant that I actually saw the match free,and it cancelled out years of bitterness for me. I also had hassle at Dens Park around the same time.A steward stopped me at the turnstyle and gripped my arm really tightly while his mate quizzed me.The pair of w**ks were blissfully unaware that my very big and scary looking old man was walking about ten strides behind me,and the steward who was manhandling me nearly shit a brick,and tried to make a big joke out of it when he realised my old man was there. I found that quite satisfying too. I f'kn hate people from Dundee.

Excellent. I thought it was only me who did that.