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Top 5 Improvements To The Human Body


Crispian Crunchie

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1. Farts that produce a visible green gas as a pre-whiff early warning system to others.

2. A third eye located on the end of the index finger for looking into pockets, handbags, etc.

3. Self-cleaning arse-clefts to eliminate Andrex and save the planet.

4. Night-vision eyeballs.

5. Built-in Listerine gland at the roof of the mouth.

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1. Farts that produce a visible green gas as a pre-whiff early warning system to others.

2. A third eye located on the end of the index finger for looking into pockets, handbags, etc.

3. Self-cleaning arse-clefts to eliminate Andrex and save the planet.

4. Night-vision eyeballs.

5. Built-in Listerine gland at the roof of the mouth.

Your wish list per chance ? Or those who come into contact with you ? :rolleyes:

I dont think any man could be trusted with No.2 improvement. :wink:

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  • 3 weeks later...

1. A digestive system that converts hot curries into pound coins with no risk of haemorrhoid aggrevation.

2. Hoverhands (pinched from QI)

3. Skunkstyle Old Grammarian repellant so you can sleep safe in your own bed at night

4. One of those Ripley's Alien-style skull dracking forehead extensions that could be triggered whenever the words "who do you really support" are uttered

5. Invisibility still has to be the ultimate evolutionary goal of mankind though:

AZ%20in%20the%20Hooters%20dressing%20room.jpg

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  • 2 weeks later...
5. Invisibility still has to be the ultimate evolutionary goal of mankind though:

AZ%20in%20the%20Hooters%20dressing%20room.jpg

I see your thinking and I have given the point some (not that much) thought.

Being invisible would have all sorts of advantages such as

1) Invading the privacy of attractive females

2) Running on the pitch and kicking Scott Brown, Fat Boruc and their like square in the nuts without detection

3) you get the picture

however the following questions arise

1) When invading the privacy of such attractive females, how could we seem them?, how would we know they are attractive, even female or actually their!

2) When running on the pitch, how do we know who we are actually kicking square in the stones, or if we are kicking anyone square in the stones or if they are actually there!

3) We would always bump into each other, unless humans could somehow see each other in which case we wouldnt be invisible so we couldnt really do any of the fun stuff!

Now, I could have debated this with myself for much longer and Im sure you will be able to add some further positives/negatives but I still liked the original point.

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About exactly the same things you're pondering...

I read a quite interesting book a few years ago...

pauses while he goes research...

Found it:

The Fermata (ISBN 9780679415862) is a novel by Nicholson Baker. It is about a man named Arno Strine who can stop time, and uses this ability to embark on a series of sexual adventures.

Strine is able to stop time and move within it. DOING things... Kinda erotic writing and an interesting concept. Not a great book.

Also quite witty. A light read.

Edited by bluto
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About exactly the same things you're pondering...

I read a quite interesting book a few years ago...

pauses while he goes research...

Found it:

Strine is able to stop time and move within it. DOING things... Kinda erotic writing and an interesting concept. Not a great book.

Also quite witty. A light read.

From what I read above, it would appear that the book is about an individual who has this ability.

Now, if invisabilty was achieved by evolution, then someone presumably would be the first to be invisible. But then how would the first invisible person survive?

As a toddler you wouldnt be able to find the little fcuker if he/she wandered off!

Education is a real problem, how can you tell when he/she has their hand up?

Sport - Definately cant play football as offside/fouls etc...ach its just too much

Mating, chatting something up in the dancing is hard and in the case of an invisible female, how do you know if your in the right hole?

Medically, how can the doctor diagnose/treat anything when he cant see the problem to diagnose it.

Again you have provoked me into more thought.

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The invisibility cloak is pretty much invented. There was an article about it in the last week or so. Cant find that, but this is one from last year. BBC Link. Google it, quite a bit of stuff on youtube as well. All to do with bending light waves or something like that. :unsure:

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