Bill Lees Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 (edited) Wee Sammy rolls in from school one afternoon and plonks himself down on the sofa. His Mum comes in and says “Sammy – it’s your birthday next week. Have you thought about what you’d like for a birthday present ? “ Sammy thinks for a few seconds and says : “ Aye – I want a coconut dugâ€. “A coconut dug ?†says his Mum. “What’s one of them ?. I’ve never heard of that sort of dug before. Are you quite sure about this ? Where did you hear about these dugs ?†“Well,†says Wee Sammy, I was down the petshop on Tuesday looking at the wee animals in the shop windae.†“There was definitely a dug in there, and after a while two big boys came and looked in the windae too. I definitely heard one of them say to his pal - ‘Jings – would you look at the coconut dug’ “. I had my coat ready anyway ……………….. Edited March 25, 2003 by Bill Lees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 That must be one of the worst jokes I have ever heard/read Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 I prefer the wasp joke...Guy goes into a pet shop and says "ah want a wasp" (when you tell this make "wasp" rhyme with"rasp" for maximum effect) "We don't sell wasps" replies the shopkeep "well how come yuv gote wan in the windae then?" says the guy. Here's a better wasp joke Jonathan Ross is out one really hot day and decides to stop at the local cafe for an ice cream to cool down a bit. So he sits down and orders an ice cream. While he's waiting, a big wasp starts buzzing round his head. Finally, after a lot of swatting, the wasp seems to have disappeared. Eventually, the waitress arrives with his ice cream. Ross, still nervous, looks around and says to the waitress, "Is that wasp away?" And the waitress replies, "No, it's vanilla". Boom-boom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 I have waited so long to hear the coconut dug joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IanMc Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 *cough cough* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ST SID Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying by the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? "I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..... (Are you ready for this?) Are you sure? This is bad! You know you could just click off and not read the punch line. You know you're gonna be sorry. Last chance. OK, here it is.! It says, Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted March 26, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 But surely it wouldne work on rabbits ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 A guy goes into W H Smith looking to buy writing paper and envelopes.He can't find them so asks a young shop assistant if she keeps stationary?Depends who's on top of me was her reply! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Captain Sensible Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 Wee Sammy rolls in from school one afternoon and plonks himself down on the sofa. His Mum comes in and says “Sammy – it’s your birthday next week. Have you thought about what you’d like for a birthday present ? “ Sammy thinks for a few seconds and says : “ Aye – I want a coconut dugâ€. “A coconut dug ?†says his Mum. “What’s one of them ?. I’ve never heard of that sort of dug before. Are you quite sure about this ? Where did you hear about these dugs ?†“Well,†says Wee Sammy, I was down the petshop on Tuesday looking at the wee animals in the shop windae.†“There was definitely a dug in there, and after a while two big boys came and looked in the windae too. I definitely heard one of them say to his pal - ‘Jings – would you look at the coconut dug’ “. I don't get it.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted March 26, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 Bloke goes into a butcher's shop. Says to the butcher " Do you keep dripping ?" Butcher says "No." Bloke says "Damn, you've spoiled the joke. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Captain Sensible Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 I don't get that either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ST SID Posted March 27, 2003 Report Share Posted March 27, 2003 Try pronouncing coconut Lambert-style Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alba Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your holy popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 I have waited so long to hear the coconut dug joke Aye, an' it's PISH! GIE IT A REST, BILL!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted March 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Aye, an' it's PISH! GIE IT A REST, BILL!!!! Nonsense, Howard. S'no pish. The Coconut Dug joke is the funniest joke in the world. Or I'm Sally Gunnell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Congratulations on your gold medal in Barcelona. By the way, did you ever shag Roger Black? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
salmonbuddie Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Alba's joke's much funnier, Sally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 I still think the Tom Jones is much funnier anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markovanhaddock Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Cannae beat the old nun jokes.... Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap?" The second turns and smiles and says "aye it sure does..." Now THAT is the funniest joke ever :-) What do you call a nun who wanders about from town to town? A roamin' Catholic... Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. F**k her Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" ....I'll get me communion.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 And then there was the time a nun was out collecting for charity in the pub. A darts match was in progress at the time. So the darts player takes his turn. Ist dart - treble top. Second dart - single top. Third dart - hits the wire, takes an unfortunate bounce, hits the nun in the eye and kills her on the spot. So the marker shouts.... "One nun dead and eightyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" I'll get me official souvenir Jocky Wilson XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL T-shirt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markovanhaddock Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 Rediy, no offence but get a new seat in the north bank and never speak to me again..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmer john Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 Nice to see Mark up nice an early again this sunny Saturday morning....sure its the best time of the day!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
salmonbuddie Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 I remember reading the nuns in the bath joke in the "Ygorra" magazine thirty years ago - this one was in it too. Did you hear about the man who had his house made backwards? So he could watch television Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tankburd Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 thanks for the explanation about the accent thing with the coconut dug joke... Heres one for yous (said in broad scottish accent, works better) Ten Paisley (or anywhere in Scotland, disny really matter) coos hanging about in a field..... Which ones nearest Iraq? Now look away now if bad jokes are not your cup of tea.... Are you ready? Coo Eight.. my coat is on, im leaving now......................ta ta...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 Another coo joke... What's got horns, gives milk, wears a number 7 jersey and is heavily armed? A right-wing military coo! I'll get me milking stool... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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