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Bill Lees

At Last - The Coconut Dug Joke.

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Wee Sammy rolls in from school one afternoon and plonks himself down on the sofa. His Mum comes in and says “Sammy – it’s your birthday next week. Have you thought about what you’d like for a birthday present ? “

Sammy thinks for a few seconds and says : “ Aye – I want a coconut dugâ€.

“A coconut dug ?†says his Mum. “What’s one of them ?. I’ve never heard of that sort of dug before. Are you quite sure about this ? Where did you hear about these dugs ?â€

“Well,†says Wee Sammy, I was down the petshop on Tuesday looking at the wee animals in the shop windae.†“There was definitely a dug in there, and after a while two big boys came and looked in the windae too. I definitely heard one of them say to his pal - ‘Jings – would you look at the coconut dug’ “.

I had my coat ready anyway ……………….. :unsure:

Edited by Bill Lees

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I prefer the wasp joke...

Guy goes into a pet shop and says "ah want a wasp" (when you tell this make "wasp" rhyme with"rasp" for maximum effect)

"We don't sell wasps" replies the shopkeep

"well how come yuv gote wan in the windae then?" says the guy.

Here's a better wasp joke

Jonathan Ross is out one really hot day and decides to stop at the local cafe for an ice cream to cool down a bit. So he sits down and orders an ice cream. While he's waiting, a big wasp starts buzzing round his head. Finally, after a lot of swatting, the wasp seems to have disappeared. Eventually, the waitress arrives with his ice cream. Ross, still nervous, looks around and says to the waitress, "Is that wasp away?" And the waitress replies, "No, it's vanilla". Boom-boom!

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out

across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying by the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? "I feel

terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he

hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..... (Are you ready for this?)

Are you sure?

This is bad!

You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.

You know you're gonna be sorry.

Last chance.

OK, here it is.!

It says, Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.

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A guy goes into W H Smith looking to buy writing paper and envelopes.He can't find them so asks a young shop assistant if she keeps stationary?Depends who's on top of me was her reply!

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Guest Captain Sensible
Wee Sammy rolls in from school one afternoon and plonks himself down on the sofa. His Mum comes in and says “Sammy – it’s your birthday next week. Have you thought about what you’d like for a birthday present ? “

Sammy thinks for a few seconds and says : “ Aye – I want a coconut dugâ€.

“A coconut dug ?†says his Mum. “What’s one of them ?. I’ve never heard of that sort of dug before. Are you quite sure about this ? Where did you hear about these dugs ?â€

“Well,†says Wee Sammy, I was down the petshop on Tuesday looking at the wee animals in the shop windae.†“There was definitely a dug in there, and after a while two big boys came and looked in the windae too. I definitely heard one of them say to his pal - ‘Jings – would you look at the coconut dug’ “.

I don't get it.......... :(:blink:

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Bloke goes into a butcher's shop. Says to the butcher " Do you keep dripping ?"

Butcher says "No."

Bloke says "Damn, you've spoiled the joke. " :rolleyes::wink::D

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An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board,

but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA

basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died".

So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former

President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in

the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President."

She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.

And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history

of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die."

So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year

old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good

person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies "No problem your holy popeness, there is also a parachute

for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

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Aye, an' it's PISH! GIE IT A REST, BILL!!!! :angry:

Nonsense, Howard. S'no pish. The Coconut Dug joke is the funniest joke in the world. Or I'm Sally Gunnell.

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Cannae beat the old nun jokes....

Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap?" The second turns and smiles and says "aye it sure does..."

Now THAT is the funniest joke ever :-)

What do you call a nun who wanders about from town to town?

A roamin' Catholic...

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. F**k her

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

....I'll get me communion....

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And then there was the time a nun was out collecting for charity in the pub. A darts match was in progress at the time. So the darts player takes his turn. Ist dart - treble top. Second dart - single top. Third dart - hits the wire, takes an unfortunate bounce, hits the nun in the eye and kills her on the spot. So the marker shouts....

"One nun dead and eightyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

I'll get me official souvenir Jocky Wilson XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL T-shirt

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I remember reading the nuns in the bath joke in the "Ygorra" magazine thirty years ago - this one was in it too.

Did you hear about the man who had his house made backwards?

So he could watch television

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Guest tankburd

thanks for the explanation about the accent thing with the coconut dug joke... :lol:

Heres one for yous (said in broad scottish accent, works better)

Ten Paisley (or anywhere in Scotland, disny really matter) coos hanging about in a field..... Which ones nearest Iraq?

Now look away now if bad jokes are not your cup of tea....

Are you ready?

Coo Eight.. :D

my coat is on, im leaving now......................ta ta......

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