houston_bud Posted April 2, 2004 Report Share Posted April 2, 2004 why do women have legs??? have u seen the mess that snails make? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted April 2, 2004 Report Share Posted April 2, 2004 why do women have legs???have u seen the mess that snails make? Come on Houston,that's older than Reidy and Leeeeeeesy put together Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted April 2, 2004 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2004 Come on Houston,that's older than Reidy and Leeeeeeesy put together OI! I heard that. Sort of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted April 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2004 A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf.." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest "eric morecambe" Posted May 4, 2004 Report Share Posted May 4, 2004 Rumours that Michael Jackson has been shagging Victoria Beckham have been denied by the singer. He issued a statement saying he was in Brooklyn at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted May 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 A bloke walks into a shop and says, "got any helicopter crisps?" And the bloke behind the counter says "Sorry, we've only got plane." Boom, boom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted May 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread? Well I thought it was funny.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 Do you know how to turn a duck into a Country and Western singer? scroll down keep going.... stick the duck in a microwave, and.... keep going.... take it out when it's Bill Withers.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted May 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 Do you know how to turn a duck into a Country and Western singer?scroll down keep going.... stick the duck in a microwave, and.... keep going.... take it out when it's Bill Withers.... Now THAT's funny. Thinking that Bill Withers is a country and western singer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julian Banjos Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 what is HR? Human Resources. Aaaaarghhhhhhhh..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 For those of us that are neither PAYE nor work in an office, what is HR? Christ!!! Talk about slow on the uptake?!?! That was April, Tom! (btw Reidy, I know Bill Withers isnae 'awfy' country but it was cut and paste job.... sorry for no editin... Got no soul...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted May 19, 2004 Report Share Posted May 19, 2004 (edited) How do you become an actress ? Stand in front of the fire until you're Googie Withers.... How do you become a poet ? Stand in front of the fire until you're Rabbie Burns ....... Man goes into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher : "Is that your Ayrshire bacon ?" Butcher replies : "No, I'm just warming it by the fire ...." I'll get my stripey apron ............. Edited May 19, 2004 by Bill Lees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtrooper Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...... "Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddy Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin. 'I'm not hiring no dumb paddy from Dublin', the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute. 'Here's your first question' the foreman said 'without using numbers, represent the number 9' 'Wittout nombers?' Paddy says. 'Arg! feck aff dat's easy', and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks. The Dub replies 'Ain't ye got no brains? Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes 9. Are you feckin' tick or wa?' 'Fair enough', says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99.' Paddy stares into space for a minutes, then picks up the picture he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dare ye arre, me mucker'. The boss scratches his head and says 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' Paddy says 'Each a da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat makes 99'. The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the Dubliner, so he says 'all right, last question: same rules but this time use 100'. Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture once more, makes a small mark at the base of each tree and says 'Dare ye arre buddy, a hunnert'. The boss looks at the picture for a moment and says 'You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!' Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of the trees. 'See der? Well a little feckin' doggie came along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, 'n dirty tree an' a turd - which makes a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does, when do I start???' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted May 21, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to deny that the bulb needs replaced, One to attack the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb, One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb, One to arrange the invasion of a country rumoured to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs, One to figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries a million dollars for a lightbulb, One to arrange a photo session with Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit, And finally One to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevo_smfc Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 (edited) guys up in glasgow pissed oot his nut with his trousers down running aboot george square with a welly boot over his p***k. the polis finally arrive after a few phonecalls from passers by................................. polis approaches him and asks him what the f**k hes doin and he answers..... im just f**kin A BOOT! Edited May 22, 2004 by kevo_smfc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted May 26, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2004 A young woman in Liverpool had decided to end her life, by throwing herself into the Mersey. She was just about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity and said: “Look you have so much to live for. I’m off to America in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.†Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added: “I’ll keep you happy and you’ll keep me happy.†The girl nodded: “Yes,†She thought. “What do I have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give my life new meaning.†That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on he brought her sandwiches and fruit and they made mad passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, the girl was discovered by the captain, who asked: “What are you doing here?†“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,†she explained. I get food and a trip to America and he’s screwing me.†“He certainly is,†the Captain said. “This is the Birkenhead Ferry.†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 Just noticed that there's been no new joke on this thread for over a year. Jings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whosyirdaddy Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 Just noticed that there's been no new joke on this thread for over a year. Jings. 170945[/snapback] No wonder with coak oan ut dug jpkes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted May 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 No wonder with coak oan ut dug jpkes 170956[/snapback] What u mean? It's the greatest joke in the world. Ever. Well, apart from the Tom Jones joke of course Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 [Fred Ellliot mode on] Never in this world!!! I say Never in this world !!!!!. The Coconut Dug Joke is beyond a shadow of a doubt the finest joke known to man (or woman). [/Fred Elliot Mode off] Erm, so there ! . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whosyirdaddy Posted May 12, 2005 Report Share Posted May 12, 2005 Thought your name was Bill thought..... sorry Fred Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest EK Saint Posted May 12, 2005 Report Share Posted May 12, 2005 Quazimodo comes home after a hard days bell ringing, and notices a Wok in the kitchen. He says to his Mum, I hope we're not having any of that foreign muck for tea, you know I can't stand it. Don't be silly she replies, I'm just about to iron your shirts. Two Mars bars are walking down the street when walking towards them are a pie, a bridie and a sausage roll. Run, said one mars bar to the other, ITS THE OVEN TEAM! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted May 12, 2005 Report Share Posted May 12, 2005 A Blondes house goes on fire and she dials 999. "Help,help my house is on fire" "Don't panic"says the Fireman,"How do we get there"? "In your big red truck of course"replies blondie Time to evacuate the building Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herbie Posted May 12, 2005 Report Share Posted May 12, 2005 Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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