snudge Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 Whats a woman and dugshite got in common? the older they are, the easier they are to pick up... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groo-ver Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 whats a priest got in common with a pint of guiness?? it's not that they're black with a white collar, it's that if you get a dodgy one your arse will be sore in the morning.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollz Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 This is a true story, . . . . .The Glasgow train from Queen St to Falkirk was very busy. At the next stop a midget got on, an actual, proper wee dwarf midget With a Victoria Wines carry-oot bag. It was quite busy on the train, there was no room for his bag on the Seat beside him, he was looking up at the overhead rack. A good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to put that Up for you mate?" "Yes please" he said, and it was done. But it wasn't up right and when the train moved, a half bottle of Vodka fell out the bag and smashed on the floor. The midget stood up, his face red with rage, the inspector came along To See what was going on. The inspector asked if it was his bag, The midget says "Aye...and Ah'm no happy !!. A voice from the back of the carriage shouts out " Well . . . . . . . Which one are you then ?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 Come on, Hollz... ye get it, surely? Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy, happy...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollz Posted April 28, 2007 Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 Come on, Hollz... ye get it, surely?Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy, happy...? Of course I get it, I have an obsession with wee Dopey out of Snow White, aww he is lovely. Anyway, I was just unsure as to how to respond, as I found it disturbing yet amusing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted April 28, 2007 Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 I have an obsession with wee Dopey out of Snow White, aww he is lovely. I'm telling Smudger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenikeli Posted April 28, 2007 Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 I'm telling Smudger I'm telling me mate sinky, he's a stoopit looking' cnut as well! He's in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted April 28, 2007 Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 I'm telling me mate sinky, he's a stoopit looking' cnut as well! He's in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollz Posted April 28, 2007 Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 I'm telling Smudger Feel free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jay Posted April 28, 2007 Report Share Posted April 28, 2007 Feel free Thanks. Nice of you to offer, Hollz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Feel free Ooooooh Matron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoWSaint Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 Did you hear about paraplegic juggler? He dropped all the paraplegics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs SFS Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 David Hasselhoff walks into his local and says to the barman, "From now on, I want you to call me Hoff." The barman replies, "Sure thing, Dave... no hassle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jay Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs SFS Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 Two shepherds are out rounding up the flock when one ewe goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. Both men run over to the fence to free the ewe, when one of the shepherds says to the other, "Hey, this is too good an opportunity to pass up." He unzips his fly and shags the animal for ten minutes. When he's finished, he turns to his pal and says, "That was bloody marvellous. Do you fancy a go?" "Too right I do." grins his mate, who then drops his trousers and sticks his head through the fence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted June 5, 2007 Report Share Posted June 5, 2007 Paddy and Mick go grocery shopping. Paddy says to Mick oi , I didn't know you had a loaf of bread named after yi ....................Mick says , ''read it properly , it says Thick Cut'' !....................yip folks another seriously crap joke ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted June 5, 2007 Report Share Posted June 5, 2007 Best comeback line ever This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said..... "A pumpkin? F*ck me..... is it midnight already??" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crispian Crunchie Posted July 11, 2007 Report Share Posted July 11, 2007 A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks. "She has," says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastlandssaint Posted July 13, 2007 Report Share Posted July 13, 2007 A women brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listended to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "Im so sorry, your duck cuddles has passed away". The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes I am sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the women and said "im sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiable, a dead duck." He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the women. The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150!" she cried. £150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!! The vet shrugged. "Im sorry. If youd taken my word for it, the bill would have bee £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's now £150"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon templar Posted July 13, 2007 Report Share Posted July 13, 2007 A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks. "She has," says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted July 24, 2007 Report Share Posted July 24, 2007 A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious that someone had recently punched his face. His pal asked, "What on earth happened to you then?" The chap replied, "I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in the face! I was just killing a bit of time in a pub and my luggage bag was in the way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar. He was happy to do this. When I went back to collect it later, this barmaid was on duty. All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crispian Crunchie Posted August 3, 2007 Report Share Posted August 3, 2007 A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident'. She asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 Q: What’s the difference between Gerry McCann & an emperor penguin? A: An emperor penguin can fúck off for two hours, stuff its face, down a load of wine, do some karaoke and its offspring will still be roughly where it left it when it comes back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herbie Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 Q: What’s the difference between Gerry McCann & an emperor penguin?A: An emperor penguin can fúck off for two hours, stuff its face, down a load of wine, do some karaoke and its offspring will still be roughly where it left it when it comes back. Fuxake Greig. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 Okay, so you’re not into the sick ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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