Yet Another Crap Joke

[thepaisleypanda]

sorry - I'll remember to trawl through 16 pages next time before I post anything!

[Herbie]

Wee Jonny walks into his parents farmhouse and says "Mummy, the bull's shagging the cow!"

"JONNY!" shouts his mother, "Don't say that! The correct way would be to say, Mummy, the bull's surprising the cow."

" Okay Mummy, sorry" says Jonny.

About 3 weeks later, Wee Jonny comes back into the farmhouse and says "Mummy, the bull's surprising ALL the cows!"

"Don't be ridiculous" says his mum "the bull can't possibly surprise all the cows at the same time!"

"You f**king better believe it mum, he's shagging the horse!"

[Love Street Central]

Edit to Add *

*For Kelvin McKenzie - its only humour............

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law , Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Love Street Central]

watch out tomorrow night

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume

then slaps his wife on the backside and says: You're next, fatty

[Sideshow]

Chelsea have brought out their own aftershave -

"The Special One"

by U Go Boss

[Love Street Central]

One for Shull............what a mental image

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[Crispian Crunchie]

Traffic cop pulls over a car for speeding and walks up to it to find a nun at the wheel.

"Dearie me, Sister Matilda, not again. This is the fourth time this week. Well, you know what this means, don't you?"

The policeman simultaneously begins unzipping his flies. Sister Matilda's eyes are drawn to the bobby's zip, and she gasps :

"Oh no - not the breathalyser again."

[shull]

Traffic cop pulls over a car for speeding and walks up to it to find a nun at the wheel.

"Dearie me, Sister Matilda, not again. This is the fourth time this week. Well, you know what this means, don't you?"

The policeman simultaneously begins unzipping his flies. Sister Matilda's eyes are drawn to the bobby's zip, and she gasps :

"Oh no - not the breathalyser again."

pun intended ?

[BoWSaint]

Another taxi one for our 4 wheeled Buds...

It's a stormy night and the taxi driver can barely see out the windscreen with all the rain. Suddenly, a rainsoaked fare jumps into the back and he casually pulls away.

He glances in the mirror to ask where they were off to and notices that it is a soaking wet beautiful woman, naked as the day she was born sitting there shivering in the back of his cab.

Needless to say he can't take his eyes off her and eventually she asks him why he keeps staring at her in the rear view mirror.

Thinking quick, he tells her that he can't help but notice that she is naked and was wondering about how she intended to pay.

She replies by putting one leg up on the passenger seat head rest and the other leg up on his head rest giving him a perfect view right into her holiest of holies and says "how about this?"

To which the driver replies, in true taxi driver style..."emm, got anything smaller?"

[Love Street Central]

One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F****** hell! A talking pig!'"

[Sideshow]

Old Jewish guy wins the lottery, when he goes to collect his cheque he says " Firstly, I would like to thank Mr Patel for selling me the winning ticket, secondly I would like to thank Camelot for this big cheque." he starts to roll up his right sleeve and says "Last of all I would like to thank Adolf Hitler for giving me the winning numbers."

[Mrs SFS]

Old Jewish guy wins the lottery, when he goes to collect his cheque he says " Firstly, I would like to thank Mr Patel for selling me the winning ticket, secondly I would like to thank Camelot for this big cheque." he starts to roll up his right sleeve and says "Last of all I would like to thank Adolf Hitler for giving me the winning numbers."

Not at all funny.

And, to be really pedantic, the tattoos were originally put on the prisoners chest but from 1943 they had their camp serial number sited on their left arm.

[Mrs SFS]

The Post Office has just recalled their latest issue of stamps. Apparently, they had photos of Manchester United players on them but folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

[Herbie]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew. 'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine.

As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story.

So tonight, who are you going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

[thepaisleypanda]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. I'm the one with the nuts, he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[Love Street Central]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. I'm the one with the nuts, he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[facepainter87]

Meaning of words...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

6. Skoda Saint

[Mrs SFS]

A guy catches a tasty babe giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he asks.

"I think you may be the father of one of my children." she replies.

He quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful, and adds, "Are you that hooker I shagged over the snooker table at my stag do, while your mate spanked me with a stick of wet celery whilst shoving that huge cucumber up my arse?"

"No," she says, visibly shocked. "I'm your daughter's teacher!"

Apologies, if this has been posted before.

[saintnextlifetime]

A man walks into the doctors surgery and lamps the Doctor , "You told my wife she's got a nice fanny , you Bas****!! Doctor says " I did nothing of the sort ,sir. " " All I said to her was that she has acute angina !"

[chingford]

A major component company advised that they are launching a revolutionary

new microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music!

The i-TiT will cost £299 and is regarded as a major breakthrough, as women

are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to

them!

[chingford]

This might have been on here before - but it's worth repeating...

Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."

Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."

Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"

Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"

Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"

Suit: "I'll try to explain by example. ...Do you have a goldfish at home?"

Fred: "Er...mmm...well, yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

Fred: "It's in a pond.

Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."

Fred: "As it happens, yes, I have got a big garden."

Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden that you have a large house."

Fred: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself."

Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."

Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."

Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often.

Fred: "Me? Never!"

Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"

Fred: "How's that then?"

Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"

Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?

Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"

Bill: "What's that then?"

Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a Wanker...."

[buddieup]

Why did the computer criminal quit?

He couldnae hack it

[saintnextlifetime]

Tom-Tom are currently recalling thousands of their Sa-Nav products due to a fault...............

They can't find englond in Europe.

[saintargyll]

oxo have released a new cube dedicated to england...it has red and silver foiled covering and is called "the laughing stock"

[Iainscanlon]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you cnut!'