Yet Another Crap Joke

[Bill Lees]

A footballer dies, and arrives at the gates of heaven where an angel awaits him. "Now then," says the angel, "before you enter here, is there anything that happened to you on earth upon which you would like your mind set at rest?"

The footballer thinks for a moment and then says "Well, there is one thing - I played for St Mirren, and there was this really important cup game against Rangers. I scored this goal that I've always been pretty sure was off-side. It won us the match and we went on to win the cup, but I've always been a bit troubled about it".

"Oh, don't worry about that," replies the angel, "We know all about that goal up here. It was perfectly okay, so you can banish your doubts. Come away in."

"Thanks ever so much for setting my mind at rest, St Peter." says the player. The angel replies: "But I'm not St Peter, you know - it's his day off today."

"Then who are you?" says the footballer.

"I'm St Mirren," comes the reply.

[elvira]

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great

composers. Anyway, to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to

cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone,

Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who they would like

to play::

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play

him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people

saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like

to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says ...... "I'll be Bach."

[FTOF]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to

put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out

of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "I can hear

someone coming Let's go to my apartment." He followed her into her

apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to

fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my

best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;

they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and

solid! Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the

best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard

someone coming? That was me."

[Guest Jeddy]

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

[Rothesay Saint]

The footballer thinks for a moment and then says "Well, there is one thing - I played for St Mirren, and there was this really important cup game against Rangers. I scored this goal that I've always been pretty sure was off-side. It won us the match and we went on to win the cup, but I've always been a bit troubled about it".

St. Mirren getting a decision at Rangers, that's got to be the biggest joke on this thread!

[Roswell]

Mick Hucknall has been done for Shag*ing a Rabbit,

He was holding back the ears, but the bunny was too tight to mention.

[Kenny P]

Mick Hucknall has been done for Shag*ing a Rabbit,

He was holding back the ears, but the bunny was too tight to mention.

Watch the RUDE flash video of it.............. Bunny's too tight to mention.

[Kenny P]

Or the RUDE flash video of............Holding back the ears.....

[Guest Bea Smith]

A long suffering wife decides to take revenge for her husband's

infidelity. She's still fuming over his latest indiscretion.

While her husband is asleep, she gets a large carving knife from the

kitchen and returns to the bedroom. Very carefully she lifts up the

duvet and with a swish of the knife she cuts his d*ck clean off. To

make her revenge complete she takes the severed p*nis and throws it

out of the window.

At that moment a van driver is on his way to work with his companion

when the willy slaps against the windscreen and then bounces onto the

road.

The driver turned to his mate and said, "Did you see the size of the

c*ck on that fly?"

[Guest Bea Smith]

There are three guys (lets call them Wingy, Twat and Lavar) drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while, he approaches the group of lads and pointing at the one in the middle (Twat) shouts, "I've sh*gged your mum!"

Wingy, Twat and Lavar look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the

bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and says to Wingy, "Your mum's sucked my c*ck!"

The same thing happens - he then continues to drink, alone at the bar.

Ten minutes later he's back again and announces to Lavar, "Oi! I've had your

mum up the a*se!"

By now Wingy, Twat and Lavar have had enough and the one in the middle (Twat) can't take it any more. He stands up and shouts, "Look dad, you're drunk,

now piss off home!"

[Guest Bea Smith]

A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint of

beer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finished

about half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.

Whilst he was away a massive black woman standing in the corner

walked up to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it,

and walked away again.

When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but after

he'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman,

"Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?"

"Well, you see that massive black woman over there? She farted into

it."

"What?"

"She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks like

she could easily knock seven shades of sh*t out of me - but that's

what she did."

"Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't say

anything, I will." He got up, went to the massive black woman, and

tapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.

"Yes?"

"Er, did you fart in my Whitbread?"

"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson."

[Guest Lobster]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ck's sake, you w*nker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"

[Tennant's Lager]

Warning, this is a truly s***e joke, and if you don't like them, skip past the rest of this post, now!

Ok, don't say I didn't warn you....

Two mind readers bumped into each other walking down the street. One says to the other "Aye you're alright, how am I?"...

(I'll get my very large coat... )

[elvira]

Q: Can you believe they've been together after all that sh*t?

A: Who? .....................

YOUR BUM CHEEKS.

[elvira]

Why the Internet Is Like a P*nis

-------------------------------------------

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's

not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many

of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people

would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it

difficult to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information

considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still

think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks

today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will

just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this

interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's

hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too

much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think

coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size

and influence warrant.

[Reidy1987]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.   The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy cow," the guy replies.  "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.  You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy.  "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst,"

and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Tennant's Lager]

Elvira's post there reminded me of this old one, wonder why that is........

Why Women Are Like Football Grounds:

01. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

02. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

03. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

04. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

05. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of SPL standard but in reality would not even be considered by Falkirk for groundsharing.

06. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

07. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Hampden, also never mention pitches previously visited.

08. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

09. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles leaving your kit in a bit of a mess.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

17. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

18. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.

19. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you xxxx the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

20. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.

21. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

[Reidy1987]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4,5,6, 7,8,9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F,G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[Guest Ruggy Bairn]

This guy has a well earned day off work, and decides to spend the day relaxing, qute rightly.

His nagging wife comes in from her work at night and says, "Did you fix that cabinet up in the bedroom?"

The guy angrily says, "Do you see f'kin joiner written on my forehead?"

The wife says, "Ok, only asking. Did you fix the leaky tap in the bathroom?"

He gets angrier and says, "Do you see f'kin plumber written on my forehead?"

The wife gets a bit annoyed and says, "Right, did you cut the grass ya lazy c'nt?"

The guy roars at her, "Do you see f'kin gardner written on my forehead?"

The wife goes away upstairs in the huff.

Anyway, it's her day off the next day, and when the husband comes home, he notices the cabinet fixed, the tap sorted, and the grass cut. He says, "Darling! You've done all that?"

She says, "Nope a handyman came round, and said he'd do it all for me. All I had to do was either shag him, or cook his lunch".

The guy says, "Excellent, what did you cook him?"

The wife replies, "DO YOU SEE F'KIN CHEF WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD??"

[Guest Biscuits]

This story is allegedly true.

The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by

a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)

AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night. Why did you go

there?"

Witness "Tae get a tap."

AD "Is your friend a plumber?"

Witness "Naw."

AD " Are you a plumber?"

Witness "Naw"

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD

realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his

fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight

apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning

accordingly.

AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"

Witness "Naw."

AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"

Witness "Naw."

In exasperation the AD says, " You told the court you went to your

friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?"

Witness "A Sellik tap."

[FTOF]

This story is allegedly true.

The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by

a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)

AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night. Why did you go

there?"

Witness "Tae get a tap."

AD "Is your friend a plumber?"

Witness "Naw."

AD " Are you a plumber?"

Witness "Naw"

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD

realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his

fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight

apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning

accordingly.

AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"

Witness "Naw."

AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"

Witness "Naw."

In exasperation the AD says, " You told the court you went to your

friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?"

Witness "A Sellik tap."

It was in the Herald diary about 3 weeks ago.

Made me laugh.

[snudge]

An explorer is walking through the jungle and stumbles across a pygmy standing next to a dead elephant.

"good lord, man!" exclaims the explorer, " did you kill this elephant?"

"aye" replies the pygmy, " I did it wae a club"

" it must have been a big club!" jokes the explorer

"aye by f**k" says the pygmy, "there were about 50 of us"

[Bill Lees]

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist ?

He got the sack.

Edited July 31, 2003 by Bill Lees

[FTOF]

Did you hear about the magic tractor ?

It turned into a field.

Edited July 31, 2003 by FTOF

[FTOF]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and says,"Can you smell fish ?".

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Two goldfish in a tank.

One says to the other,"How do you drive this thing?".

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Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other,"Does this taste funny to you ?".

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Edited July 31, 2003 by FTOF