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Yet Another Crap Joke


Reidy1987

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A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, 'Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club - fancy tagging along?' The Jelly Bean says, 'Sorry mate - I'm a soft centre. I always end up getting my head kicked in.' So, the Smartie says, 'Don't worry about that - I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you.' The Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says, 'Fair enough - as long as you'll look after me', and off they go. A bit later and after the guys have had a few beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, the Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly sh*t out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. The Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to the Smartie and says, 'I thought you were going to look after me.' "I was, I was!' says the Smartie, 'but those Lockets are f***ing menthol."

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Guest donnam

Whats crap about that? It made me laugh so hard that coffee came out me nose and dribbled down me chin...just as that tasty spanish bloke wandered into the office...curse you Reidy!!! :D

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Whats crap about that? It made me laugh so hard that coffee came out me nose and dribbled down me chin...just as that tasty spanish bloke wandered into the office...curse you Reidy!!! :D

Now THAT would be a sight for sore eyes. The amazing, coffee-squirting Kebabs... :blink:

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Guy goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, I need help. You see, I think I'm a moth."

Doctor says : "Good lord, man - you need to see a clinical psychologist, not an ordinary GP like myself. What made you come in to see me anyway ?"

Guy replies : "Well, the light was on."

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Another guy goes to see his doctor. Doctor looks at the guy and sees that he's got a banana stuck up his nose, a cucumber in one ear, and a carrot stuck in the other ear.

"Well, I can see what's wrong with you" says the Doc. "Really ? " says the guy. "What is it ?"

Doc says "You're not eating properly."

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Overheard this one in one of the computing labs yesterday, thought it was fantastic. Have changed it to Greenock though :)

After producing their 20th child, a brother and sister from Greenock decide they shouldn't have anymore as they can't afford it. The brother goes to the doctor where he is told he can have a procedure called a vasectomy, which will do the job. However, it is quite expensive.

The brother asks the doctor if there is a cheaper way of doing it, and the doctor suggests that the guy should put a firework in an empty beer can, light the firework and hold the can to the side of his head, counting to ten whilst he holds it. The brother is not sure this will work, but the doctor reassures him it is fool proof.

So the brother gets home, finds an empty beer can and shoves a firework in it. He holds it up to the side of his head and then starts counting to 10. On reaching five, he puts the beer can between his legs so he can continue counting on the other hand :lol:

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  • 1 month later...

The f'kirk pub-quiz team were asked "What is the fastest thing in existence?"

wingy whispered to his team mates "A blink, it must be a blink. It's over before you can see it!"

"Don't be daft wingy." said pete "It's electricity. As soon as you touch the light switch the light comes on. Now thats fast."

ruggy bairn jumps in "Quiet both of you. It's dirorreah"

wingy and pete look puzzled.

"Well," he continued "Last night once I'd gotten home from the pub, my tummy started to rumble and before I could blink or turn the light on, I'd shit myself"

:ph34r:

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Guest Ruggy Bairn
The f'kirk pub-quiz team were asked "What is the fastest thing in existence?"

wingy whispered to his team mates "A blink, it must be a blink. It's over before you can see it!"

"Don't be daft wingy." said pete "It's electricity. As soon as you touch the light switch the light comes on. Now thats fast."

ruggy bairn jumps in "Quiet both of you. It's dirorreah"

wingy and pete look puzzled.

"Well," he continued "Last night once I'd gotten home from the pub, my tummy started to rumble and before I could blink or turn the light on, I'd shit myself"

:ph34r:

Oi ya f'k'n tit. What's wrong with substituting my name for twat?

and it's diarrhoea.

I just thought I'd helpfully point that out. :P

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pete as ever gets lost on his way to the match, ross county this time, and finds himself in Pollockshields in spite of borrowing wingy's mongmaster compass.

He stops and asks an asian lady, "Where cun oi get a beer in Dingwall"

The bewildered Pollockshields woman replies, "bob?"

pete: "eh, whurs the nearest pub?"

woman: "bee-hive?"

pete: "fuxake, aw ah want ti ken is whur ah keen get a pint?"

woman: "pudding bowl!"

pete: "who you calling a f'k'n pu..."

passer-by: "your wasting yer time mong, she only speaks HAIRDO. :ph34r:

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The quizmaster then asks the B&Warmy team, "Which bird can't fly?"

St SId pipes up..."that junky slapper fae Holby City" :ph34r:

She was also offered a job on Jackanoryjust before she died.

They were impressed that she could do three stories in 5 seconds. :unsure:

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ruggy bairn takes his souped up peugeot 205 into the mong garage.

RB: It died :(

The mechanic has the banger idling smoothly in no time

RB: what's the story? :)

mechanic: just crap in the carborator

RB: How often do I have to do that? :blink:

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Last daft joke for the night, Benny Hill-style:

A dustman is going along the street picking up the

wheely bins. He gets to one house where the bin

hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it,

and then knocks on the door. Eventually a Japanese

man answers...

"Harro", he says.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking

perplexed.

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Japanese

man.

"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding

me...

Where's your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having w**k".

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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

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Guest Lobster

Once upon a time, there was Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam. They were the best of friends. One day, they were both killed. Larry the Lobster went to Heaven and Sam the Clam went to Hell. Larry the Lobster missed Sam the Clam so much, he asked God if he could go to Hell to visit Sam. God agreed, but he told Larry not to forget his harp.

Larry the Lobster agreed and down to Hell he went. When he found Sam the Clam, he had his own Disco in hell. Larry the Lobster had such a great time with Sam the Clam, that he lost all track of time. Larry heard the voice of God saying "Larry you must come back to Heaven."

Larry ran as fast as he could back to Heaven. When God saw Larry, he said, "Where is your Harp?"

Larry replied, "I left my Harp in Sam Clam's Disco." :lol:

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Guest Lobster

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said, "who is one of our friends. For stomping him, you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "who is one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast. Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

I will apologise in advance................... :lol::lol:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday". Pattie looks at the

frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger,his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says "Sure. I have this and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall -

bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "there's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow

£30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral".

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says....

"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone".

Oh dear!

Edited by elvira
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Guest BIGAL1

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my

girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She

floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, wen Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin. When Oi've finished sh*ggin' me bord, I

get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on da curtain. She hits da fockin' roof.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the landlord. "The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord. "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals?. With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused. "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?".

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Guest Jeddy

A penguin was out driving in the wilderness when his car broke down. He pushed it for 10 miles to the nearest town and took it to a garage. While the mechanic tried to fix the car, the penguin went to a supermarket to cool down after all his exertions. He positioned himself by the freezer and devoured box loads of vanilla ice cream. Remembering the time, he decided he ought to get back to the garage and arrived covered from head to toe in ice cream.

The mechanic walked slowly towards him, shaking his head....."Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," said the penguin, "its just ice cream." :rolleyes::D

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Guest Lobster

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her."I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff." :D

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Guest Lobster

There was an old widow who soon after her husband had passed on decided to purchase a talking parrot for company. She attended her local pet store where she purchased a parrot who the store keeper had assured her was a good talker. When she arrived home with her new found friend she said to the parrot, " Here is your new home. How do you like it ? ". The parrot replied, " I want sex. Give me sex all day. ". The widow was not sure if she heard the parrot correctly so she said, " What did you just say ?". The parrot again replied, " Give me sex. Give me sex all day. ".

The widow was a bit distraught over this so she called her local priest.

She said, " I have just purchased a talking parrot for company, and all it says is give me sex, give me sex all day. ". The priest said, " Bring the parrot over to my place for awhile. I have two talking parrots who all they do is pray quietly all day. They should be able to help your parrot to do the same. ".

The widow was very pleased with this suggestion and immediately took her parrot over to the priest. Upon entering the priest's home her parrot again said, " Give me sex. Give me sex all day. ". Upon hearing this, one of the priest's parrots turned to the other and said, " I told you we'd get it if we prayed hard enough. ".

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there Nancy"?

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned.

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it"?

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*ckin' cat."

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