Yet Another Crap Joke

[Miss Saint]

Q: What’s the difference between Gerry McCann & an emperor penguin?

A: An emperor penguin can fúck off for two hours, stuff its face, down a load of wine, do some karaoke and its offspring will still be roughly where it left it when it comes back.

bad taste me no likey

[Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes]

Lighten up, for fúck sake, it's just a joke.

[Herbie]

Okay, so you’re not into the sick ones.

On the contrary Greig. Just found it a bit "out of the blue" shall we say.

Having been to see Frankie Boyle on Friday night, I'm no stranger to a wee bit of sickdom. (Very, very funny gig by the way.)

Frankie on the Spice Girls reunion...

" the only time I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in a union jack again, is if she gets killed in battle!"

[Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes]

On the contrary Greig. Just found it a bit "out of the blue" shall we say.

Having been to see Frankie Boyle on Friday night, I'm no stranger to a wee bit of sickdom. (Very, very funny gig by the way.)

Frankie on the Spice Girls reunion...

" the only time I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in a union jack again, is if she gets killed in battle!"

Heard him say that on News Knight.

Was at a comedy night over the weekend (as opposed to the one on Saturday afternoon) and that's where I heard that one. The guy was also talking about eating healthy and says "I get my five portions of fruit a day. Well, a Terry's chocolate orange and four cans of cider, does that count?" He also mentioned that Lenny Henry has stated he keeps fit by eating fruit but only in the afternoon. Hardly surprising; when you consider he's married to Dawn French, by the time he gets up in the morning there'll be fúck all left to eat.

[Joe]

Heard him say that on News Knight.

Was at a comedy night over the weekend (as opposed to the one on Saturday afternoon) and that's where I heard that one. The guy was also talking about eating healthy and says "I get my five portions of fruit a day. Well, a Terry's chocolate orange and four cans of cider, does that count?" He also mentioned that Lenny Henry has stated he keeps fit by eating fruit but only in the afternoon. Hardly surprising; when you consider he's married to Dawn French, by the time he gets up in the morning there'll be fúck all left to eat.

She got stopped at Glasgow Airport Customs recently, she had 40 lbs of crack down her nickers

[BIG BEN]

A women brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listended to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "Im so sorry, your duck cuddles has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes I am sure. The duck is dead" he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,

meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the women and said "im sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiable, a dead duck." He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the women.

The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150!" she cried. £150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!

The vet shrugged. "Im sorry. If youd taken my word for it, the bill would have bee £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's now £150"!

QUALITY

[Love Street Central]

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible

shipwreck. Only

a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking

around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted

island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his

two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch

the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful

cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night

for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to

the lonely Aberdonian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and

put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled

fiercely

until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets

together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another

shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most

beautiful

woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he

slowly

nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to

their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red

sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a

night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get "those feelings"

again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in

and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the

young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear....

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Boom Tish !!

[Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A: Christopher Walken

[Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes]

Q: What's blue and fúcks a four-year-old?

A: Chris Langham in his lucky blue suit

[Joe]

Q: Why do women cut the strings off their tampons?

A: So the crabs don't bungee jump.

[Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes]

Q: What’s grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?

A: A dialysis machine.

[chingford]

A Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts,

" Awa ye feel hoor thats fu o coo's Sharn "

( Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back

"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman shouts back

"Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[Crispian Crunchie]

An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes]

Q: How many Zippy's does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Doesn't matter, the myopic twat can see fúck all anyway.

[Love Street Central]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One

day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,

they

fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told

his

lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He

put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife

demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with

my secretary. We had s3x all afternoon." "You lying b*stard! You've

been playing golf!"

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered

a

beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence." "Ten pence?" the man

thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy

steak and a bottle of wine?" "Fifty pence," the barman replied. "Fifty

pence?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The

bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he

doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing

I'm doing to his business down here."

[houston_bud]

see elton john is to replace pavarotti in the three tenors?

they're going to be called 'two tenors and a nine bob note'

think that's my taxi outside!!

[Crispian Crunchie]

What is Pavarotti's wife getting for

Christmas?

A smaller turkey.

If anyone is interested I've got tickets for

the opera this weekend. They're a tenor less

than advertised.

I went to watch Pavarotti last year in

concert. He's was a miserable bastard. Didn't

like anybody joining in.

[shull]

see elton john is to replace pavarotti in the three tenors?

they're going to be called 'two tenors and a nine bob note'

think that's my taxi outside!!

It is and your waiting time charge is through the roof

[thepaisleypanda]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to £5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cake slice complimentary from the lastshop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's deid! What'd you buy?"

[saint_dave]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Gabriel, look what I've made.'

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet', replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance'.

'Balance?' inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 'For example,

Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black

people'. God continued, pointing to different countries. 'And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?'

'Yes' said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, 'What's that one?'

'Ah' said God. 'That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means 'The Water of Life'. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel

gasped in wonder and admiration but then said: 'I thought you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the shower of bastards I'm putting next to them!'

[HSS]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Gabriel, look what I've made.'

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet', replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance'.

'Balance?' inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 'For example,

Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black

people'. God continued, pointing to different countries. 'And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?'

'Yes' said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, 'What's that one?'

'Ah' said God. 'That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means 'The Water of Life'. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel

gasped in wonder and admiration but then said: 'I thought you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the shower of bastards I'm putting next to them!'

Older than Ching.

[Eddy]

Older than Ching.

But, like Ching, still amusing.

[chingford]

HEY!

I'M still HERE, YE KNOW....

[thepaisleypanda]

A man walks into a pub with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the bar.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the bar as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Guest Jay]

A man walks into a pub with a paper bag...

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

It was probably funny nearly four years ago when it was first posted in this very thread. Page5