Iainscanlon Posted November 23, 2007 Report Share Posted November 23, 2007 A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'Nay charge, 'he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothing. You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched their heeds.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iainscanlon Posted November 23, 2007 Report Share Posted November 23, 2007 As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crispian Crunchie Posted November 27, 2007 Report Share Posted November 27, 2007 I'm sure this has been posted already, but what the hell - I like it : Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and during the course of the interview bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla sidled up to Sean and said, "Sean, 'ope I'm not bein' too forward, but I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun." So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean said, "If you think that wash good, jusht let me shleep for half an hour, then we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold ma bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looked a bit perplexed, but said "Awright chook" and gripped Sean's wedding tackle. Sean slept for half an hour, then woke, and he and Cilla had even better sex than before. Then Sean said, "Shilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." I gerrit Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem ***". Cilla again complied with the routine, and when Sean woke up again, sure enough The results were absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic. Once it was all over, they had another drink, Sean lit a cigarette, and Cilla asked "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?" Sean replied, "No, not at all Shilla, It's just that the last time I shlept with a scouser, she shtole ma feckin' wallet". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northendsaint Posted November 27, 2007 Report Share Posted November 27, 2007 Woman goes into doctors with a bit of lettuce hanging out from her fanny Doctor looks and says oh thats serious. Serious thats only the tip of the iceberg she says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintnextlifetime Posted November 29, 2007 Report Share Posted November 29, 2007 Man goes to Doctors Man "Doctor I have a problem , can you help me out" Doctor " Well , where did you come in" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintnextlifetime Posted November 29, 2007 Report Share Posted November 29, 2007 A very large corporation are looking to fill a key post and after dealing with thousands of applicants , they narrow it down to three men. A Weegie , a Greenockian and a Buddie. They decide to ask them one question that they must answer within 24 hours. They are told that a man and woman are nude in bed together. The woman lies on her side with her back to the man . The man lies on his side facing the womans back. The question they are asked is "What is the mans name?" Weegie says" There is not enough information to give an answer" Greenockian says " There IS no answer" Buddie says " Well , the mans name is either Wullie Turner or Wullie Naylor." The Buddie got the job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted November 29, 2007 Report Share Posted November 29, 2007 A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston! I've just loaded 'Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing! Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won. What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...... A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse. I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you c**t!' I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ' A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'. Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!' A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted November 30, 2007 Report Share Posted November 30, 2007 An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in the U.S. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks , he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
salmonbuddie Posted November 30, 2007 Report Share Posted November 30, 2007 A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston! I've just loaded 'Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing! Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won. What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...... A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse. I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you c**t!' I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ' A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'. Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!' A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother! Racist, racist, sectarian & racist. Bernard Manning is dead but his smell lives on.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groo-ver Posted November 30, 2007 Report Share Posted November 30, 2007 Racist, racist, sectarian & racist. Bernard Manning is dead but his smell lives on.... doesn't stop them being funny though.... as a perfect example look at the VW ad thats lurking around on another thread.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groo-ver Posted November 30, 2007 Report Share Posted November 30, 2007 (edited) A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston! I've just loaded 'Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing! Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won. What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...... A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse. I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you c**t!' I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ' A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'. Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!' A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother! you mised out mental health-ist, sexist and transgenderist... Edited November 30, 2007 by groo-ver Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crispian Crunchie Posted December 3, 2007 Report Share Posted December 3, 2007 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'In order to enter paradise, you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas. ' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' And Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?' 'These', the man replied, a wicked smile playing around his lips, 'are Carol's.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes Posted December 4, 2007 Report Share Posted December 4, 2007 (edited) Due to the recent controversy in Sudan regarding Liverpool school teacher Gillian Gibbons’ offensive naming of a teddy bear, Sooty has decided to cancel a proposed tour of Jamaica. Edited December 4, 2007 by Howard Hughes in BlueSuedeShoes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thepaisleypanda Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes beside him. He turned to look, and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path, but when he looked over his should he saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over and tried to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with one massive paw and raising the other one to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest fell silent. As a bright light shone on the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist, and credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light. "I know it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly as you to treat me as a Christian now. But perhaps you could make this bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped its raised paw, brought both paws together in front of it, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from Thy bounty. Amen." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thepaisleypanda Posted December 6, 2007 Report Share Posted December 6, 2007 The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoWSaint Posted December 30, 2007 Report Share Posted December 30, 2007 I hear you Tanya. I know all about the problems that Russians bring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groo-ver Posted December 30, 2007 Report Share Posted December 30, 2007 don't know if this has been on before and cant be arsed checking hundreds of posts.... so. Blonde goes into a drycleaners and puts a short black dress on the counter.. 'can you get the stains out of this for tonight mate? she asks. the cleaner, who is a bit hard of hearing, says 'come again, love?' Blonde replies.. 'No, it's mayonnaise this time...' i'll get me coat...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoWSaint Posted December 31, 2007 Report Share Posted December 31, 2007 Is it hell or haven? I know better than to answer these sort of questions! Better still....ask her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sideshow Posted January 9, 2008 Report Share Posted January 9, 2008 A group of dwarves start a local 5 a side football team. The landlord of the local pub says that they can get changed in the room above the bar. One day, a punter was a bit worse for wear of the drink looked up just as a group of dwarves in a blue kit coming down the stairs, he thinks nothing of it and orders another whisky. After he downs the whisky, he looks up again and this time sees a group of dwarves in a red kit, this time he calls over the barman and says... ..."I don't want to alarm you, but I think your table football teams are escaping." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintnextlifetime Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 A Geordie wanders into a Jobcentre in Newcastle to find work. His eye is caught by a job for an Assistant Gynacologist. He goes up to the clerk and asks for some more details . He is told that the job involves rubbing in shaving cream and then shaving the area. Once the area has been shaved , he would have to rub in soothing essential oils to the area before finally handing over to the Gynacologist. The job pays 45k per year and training is provided. The clerk then tells Geordie that if he is interested he must go to Oxford. Geordie says "Oxford ? Is that where the job is?" Clerk says " Naw , thats where the queue starts." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Jake Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 HIT MAN Two blokes golfing were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't Turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer Part way around the course, one of the golfing blokes Asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf Bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic Sight. "Here Are my tools." "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see My house from Here." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said The other golfing bloke, So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight In the Direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is Fantastic. I can See right in the window. Wow, I can see my Wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my Neighbour in There with her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge For a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars Every time I pull The trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so Shoot her in the Mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of Mine, so just shoot his Old fella off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing Perfectly still for Few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" asked the Golfing bloke impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a Grand here....." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aber 87 Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Wee boy greeting in Tesco. Man says, " Whats up son ? ". Boy says, " I cant find mummy ". Man says " Whats mummy like ? ". Boy says " Big cocks and Bacardi Breezers " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groo-ver Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 HIT MAN Two blokes golfing were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't Turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer Part way around the course, one of the golfing blokes Asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf Bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic Sight. "Here Are my tools." "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see My house from Here." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said The other golfing bloke, So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight In the Direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is Fantastic. I can See right in the window. Wow, I can see my Wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my Neighbour in There with her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge For a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars Every time I pull The trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so Shoot her in the Mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of Mine, so just shoot his Old fella off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing Perfectly still for Few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" asked the Golfing bloke impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a Grand here....." copyright Billy Connolly 'bites yer bum' 1954 or something like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Jake Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 copyright Billy Connolly 'bites yer bum' 1954 or something like that 1954 way before my time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F*%KING PRICE" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.