Rothesay Saint Posted July 31, 2003 Report Share Posted July 31, 2003 Q: Two cows standing in a field, which one is on holiday? A: The one with the wee calf. Q: Nine cows in a field, which is closet to Iraq? A: Coo eight Funnily enough, nobody English ever finds them funny... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elvira Posted July 31, 2003 Report Share Posted July 31, 2003 (edited) Have you got a secret audio link up to the nightshift forum cooncil meetings? And its closest not closet.... are you subliminally trying to tell us something! (tune to twilight zone ... playing in the background!) Edited July 31, 2003 by elvira Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rothesay Saint Posted August 1, 2003 Report Share Posted August 1, 2003 And its closest not closet.... are you subliminally trying to tell us something! Yeah... My spelling is as bad as my jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted August 1, 2003 Report Share Posted August 1, 2003 Have you got a secret audio link up to the nightshift forum cooncil meetings? And its closest not closet.... are you subliminally trying to tell us something! (tune to twilight zone ... playing in the background!) I hope you`ve got better jokes than that if your coming on the nightshift Rothesay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ST SID Posted August 8, 2003 Report Share Posted August 8, 2003 Three strung oot gr'n'ck scum are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few joints they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality joints.' Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a joint. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital. On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?' 'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made joint. 'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?' 'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.' The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.' 'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men. 'He's in a korma,' replies the doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elvira Posted August 11, 2003 Report Share Posted August 11, 2003 Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of museli? He got dragged under by a strong currant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elvira Posted August 11, 2003 Report Share Posted August 11, 2003 Who do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put in the microwave unitl it's Bill Withers! I'll get me cape! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted August 11, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2003 An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Becksy Posted August 14, 2003 Report Share Posted August 14, 2003 There's a new viagra based eye-drop out. It doesn't help your sex life but it makes you look well hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted August 29, 2003 Report Share Posted August 29, 2003 1ST HOSPITAL PATIENT : "Have you heard ? They brought in four cases of dysentery last night. " 2ND HOSPITAL PATIENT : "Thank fu ck for that. I'm getting bloody sick of Lucozade... " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FTOF Posted August 29, 2003 Report Share Posted August 29, 2003 (edited) A man is lying in bed when his naked wife decides to view herself in the mirror. She says,"Look at me I'm a disaster.I've got saggy tits,a big fat arse and a pot belly." The man says nothing. She says,"Look I'm really depressed about this can't you say something complementary about me ?" He says,"Well at least your eyesight is f**king spot on!" Edited August 29, 2003 by FTOF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted September 5, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2003 Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"? "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2003 What do you call the most importany hankie in the world? The hankiechief. Ehm... that's me away noo. Cheerio... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 (edited) Labour M.P. dies and gets to heaven. On his way through the pearly gates, he notices a row of clocks on the wall, each indicating a different time. Curious, he asks St Peter what their purpose is. "Well," says St Pete, "Every time there's a new Labour leader, we put up a clock for him set to midnight, and every time he lies, his clock moves on a minute. For example, there's John Smith's clock, stopped at one minute past. Michael Foot got his clock to 4 minutes past, and you can see that Neil Kinnock's managed to reach quarter past." "But where's Tony Blair's clock ?" asks the Labour M.P. "Oh that, says St Pete, "Jesus has got on it on the ceiling of his office - he uses it as a fan." Edited September 30, 2003 by Bill Lees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dani bongo Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 Celtic manager Martin O'Neill sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Henrik Larsson and hopefully win Celtic the league. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So O'Neill flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Park Head. Two weeks later Celtic are 4-0 down at home to Dundee with only 20 minutes left. O'Neill gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Henrik Larsson. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Celtic. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. "Hello Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Wonderful," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry?" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted October 6, 2003 Report Share Posted October 6, 2003 See John Coughlin is going to chuck football and become a minister - he says he finds it ridiculously easy to make 2000 folk stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST" the coat's at hand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 The following courtesy of Mr. Christopher Brookmyre on Radio 4 the other night : Q: How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader ? A: Tell him that paedophiles are the natural prey of asylum seekers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted October 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2003 Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."................................ Wait for it....................................... Wait for it.................................................. "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Soeziegoezie Posted November 13, 2003 Report Share Posted November 13, 2003 Paul McCartney is doing his Christmas shopping, and he decides to get Heather a new artificial leg He wraps it up, takes it home and hides it in the wardrobe. However, Heather is doing her housework a couple of days later, and she finds it So she phones up Paul, and says "That's really nice of you, but I hope it's not my MAIN Christmas present is it?" Paul says ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "No, it's just a stocking filler" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pompey Posted November 13, 2003 Report Share Posted November 13, 2003 He got her a plane as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted November 13, 2003 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2003 He got her a plane as well It's the way you tell 'em... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted November 13, 2003 Report Share Posted November 13, 2003 Soezie, you must be really busy in your office Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted November 21, 2003 Report Share Posted November 21, 2003 Police today raided Micheal Jacksons Neverland mansion.They found Class A drugs in his living room,Class B drugs in his kitchen and Class 4C in his bedroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted November 21, 2003 Report Share Posted November 21, 2003 What's the difference between Rab Douglas and a Hackney Cab driver??? The Hackney driver only lets 5 in Taxi for HSS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pompey Posted November 22, 2003 Report Share Posted November 22, 2003 What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman's legs? A clit across the ear, and a flap across the face Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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