Yet Another Crap Joke

[wee-mad-bud-yoobi]

what do u get if a dwarf falls into a cement mixer?

A wee Hard man

[Guest murdy]

did you here about the dyslexic,agnostic insomniac?

he couldnt sleep at night for wondering if there was a dog

[wee-mad-bud-yoobi]

At a queue outside a football match there is a policewoman on patrol on a horse. For a laugh the guy shouts up tae her gonna move yer horse it's drippin wae sweat. The policewoman who had heard this before laughs it off and says I and you would be drippin wae sweat if it wiz you between ma leg's ! Now move

[wee-mad-bud-yoobi]

A tramp had a trick he once played on all the farmer's wives. He would ring the door and with some dryed up cow pat in his arms he would say Can you give me 2 bits of bread a cin eat this wae. And all the farmer's wives took him in and gave him a proper meal. One day however it is a farmer that answers the door . The tramp says his line Can i hiv 2 bits of bread to eat this with. The farmer says man you cant eat that , ci mon roon the back and i'll get you a nice fresh one

[wee-mad-bud-yoobi]

a woman opened her door to a charity worker who said " Hello there. I'm collecting for the home for the drunks. Could you contribute something please. "

"Certainly dear, Just wait untill he puts on his jacket"

[wee-mad-bud-yoobi]

A Scottish football widow was annoyed at her husband. "Your whole life is football football football! We never go out! You're either at a match or u r watching one on the telly or down at the pub discusing footy wae your mates. I bet you don't even no the date we got married"

"Sure a do it wiz the day St.Mirren beat Aberdeen in the quarter finals o' the cup

[Guest JamboMan1]

Whats Madonnas favourite Take Away ??

Popadom Preach

[Guest murdy]

A Scottish football widow was annoyed at her husband. "Your whole life is football football football! We never go out! You're either at a match or u r watching one on the telly or down at the pub discusing footy wae your mates. I bet you don't even no the date we got married"

"Sure a do it wiz the day St.Mirren beat Aberdeen in the quarter finals o' the cup

171387[/snapback]

footy?? footy?? its FITBA!!!

[chingford]

A couple that are ok...

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a

general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday

and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jocky thinks, "Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general

knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on ya radge, a lang

weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what your

country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking

round picks Richard at the front. "Yes, Richard?"

Richard (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy-

inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Richard. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will

see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined.

Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them

in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know.

Me Miss, me Miss "

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes

Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is

Winston Churchill, 1940 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come

back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been

studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"

Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,

jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me

miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes

Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes

miss, that was Neil Armstrong 1969, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back

into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at

the wall. He throws his hat on the floor & jumps up and down on it shouting

"Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?"

Teacher looking round the class, angrily: "Who said that?"

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince

Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

And a mini one:-

Speaking of pedants, who led the Pedants Revolt?

WHICH Tyler!

[chingford]

Probably buried in here somewjere earlier... but here it is again.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was

a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew

very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper

for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She

thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to

hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house

than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every

day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well, Then

one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really

good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your

heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no

hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he

found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,

waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said;

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[chingford]

And a true story...

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.

[elvira]

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on! allegedly!

ps Oh aye Meeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy Christmas to y'all!

Edited December 25, 2005 by elvira

[Guest Joe]

Q: Two cows standing in a field, which one is on holiday?

A: The one with the wee calf.

Q: Nine cows in a field, which is closet to Iraq?

A: Coo eight

Funnily enough, nobody English ever finds them funny...

72097[/snapback]

Q; What do you call a coo in a field with a machine gun

A; A military coup

[Reidy1987]

Q; What do you call a coo in a field with a machine gun

A; A military coup

227957[/snapback]

Q: What do you call a coo in a field with a machine gun and the number 7 on its back?

A: A right wing military coo

[North Sea Saint]

Whats the simeralty between walking over Niagra Falls on a tightrope, and getting a blowjob from you're Mother In Law,

You dont look f'cken down

[Guest Joe]

Whats the simeralty between walking over Niagra Falls on a tightrope, and getting a blowjob from you're Mother In Law,

You dont look f'cken down

228027[/snapback]

Most embarrasing moments #322

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology

lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found

in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand

you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen

as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some

statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then

why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class

burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realized

exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books,

and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was

heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally

straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet

because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue

and not in the back of your throat".

Edited January 13, 2006 by Joe

[Bill Lees]

A rabbi is walking through Finsbury Park one day. Just as he approaches the pond, he sees a woman hurl a stick out into the middle of the pond for her dog to fetch. The Great Dane duly bounds into the pool an swims out to the stick, but soon begins to get into difficulties, and is in very real danger of drowning. Quick as a flash, the rabbi whips off his coat, throws his hat to one side and plunges into the pond. He swims straight out to the dog, clutches it, brings it back to shore, and gives it a resuscitative massage, whereupon the beast leaps to its feet and is as good as new.

"Oh, how can I ever thank you enough?" exclaims the dog's owner "If you hadn't happened by and saved him, he'd be dead by now. I was very impressed by the way you brought him round with that masage. Tell me, are you a vet? "

The rabbi shrugs his shoulders, and says "Am I a vet ? Oi, look at me, I'm soaking !

[last line to be spoken in cod Jewish voice]

[Tennant's Lager]

I think Firhill has written that advert for the BBC Cameramen......

One million cockroaches.......

On top of a 300ft high pile of bat droppings......

A month's filming.........

Ever dreamt of being a BBC Cameraman?

This is what we do..........

Top class

[chingford]

A rabbi is walking through Finsbury Park one day. Just as he approaches the pond, he sees a woman hurl a stick out into the middle of the pond for her dog to fetch. The Great Dane duly bounds into the pool an swims out to the stick, but soon begins to get into difficulties, and is in very real danger of drowning. Quick as a flash, the rabbi whips off his coat, throws his hat to one side and plunges into the pond. He swims straight out to the dog, clutches it, brings it back to shore, and gives it a resuscitative massage, whereupon the beast leaps to its feet and is as good as new.

"Oh, how can I ever thank you enough?" exclaims the dog's owner "If you hadn't happened by and saved him, he'd be dead by now. I was very impressed by the way you brought him round with that masage. Tell me, are you a vet? "

The rabbi shrugs his shoulders, and says "Am I a vet ? Oi, look at me, I'm soaking !

[last line to be spoken in cod Jewish voice]

Fuxake, Bill!!!!

Rabbi Lionel Blue, the Today Programme, thought for the day circa 1842..?

But thanx fur the refresh!!!

Edited August 11, 2006 by chingford

[E=Mc2]

Light travels faster than sound

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

[Tennant's Lager]

Here's 2 I got from a website the last few days......

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "

"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[simon templar]

They're both crackers TL.

[simon templar]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their shopping trollies around Asda when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she's 6 foot tall with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a low-cut blouse and white hotpants. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Bill Lees]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and

would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket

and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up

a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the

store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old

lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to

get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to

that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the

bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry

the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl

home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a

lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when

we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my

skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, gallon of

paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly

hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,

put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"

[Bill Lees]