Love Street Central Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have some of that Weetabix sh1t !" *SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*ck1ng Weetabix!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckfast crew Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 my big fat 20 stone neighbour just got busted for drugs, they found 18lb of crack in her knickers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 my big fat 20 stone neighbour just got busted for drugs,they found 18lb of crack in her knickers! Send her oot here then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckfast crew Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 25stone Wife comes hame fae work says to hubby iv got a fancy drees on friday what shall i go as. hubby says pull yer pish flaps over yer head and go as a sugar puff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckfast crew Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 2 morton fans find a mirror outside cappilow 1st junkie cat shagger says i know that face but icant put a name to it. 2nd giro bumping house breaker picks it up and says to him, its me ya daft c**t! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sideshow Posted March 24, 2007 Report Share Posted March 24, 2007 A Priest was baptisting followers in a river when a drunk comes by and falls into the river. The priest thinks heres a chance to change this drunks life, so he grabs him and puts him under the water then says "Have you found Jesus?", the drunk says "No!". A bit perturbed the priest puts him under again but a bit longer this time, after he pulls him out of the water he asks "Have you found Jesus?", the drunk says "No!". The priest is starting to get a bit pissed of and puts him under for one more time, he pulls him out of the water he asks "Have you found Jesus?" At which the drunk replies "No, are you sure he drowned here?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted March 26, 2007 Report Share Posted March 26, 2007 A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her *rse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bl**dy Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted March 26, 2007 Report Share Posted March 26, 2007 A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her *rse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bl**dy Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted March 27, 2007 Report Share Posted March 27, 2007 A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her *rse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bl**dy Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it." Classic, pure f'cken classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted March 27, 2007 Report Share Posted March 27, 2007 Don't encourage me. Here's another one - mainly for the auld basturts that are old enough for golf... The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted March 29, 2007 Report Share Posted March 29, 2007 Don't encourage me.Here's another one - mainly for the auld basturts that are old enough for golf... The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit." She widnae get a comb fae you then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi that just happens to be passing by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a taxi, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There must have been times when sh*t happened, surely?." Cabbie: "Not for Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frankie Boy, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met him ... ... I just married his f***ing widow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closet saint Posted April 11, 2007 Report Share Posted April 11, 2007 A dwarf goes to the doctors and says her fanny is sore...."Pass the scissors, nurse" says the doctor and begins to snip away. After a few minutes he says "Is that better?"...Dwarf says.."That's great!, what did you do?".."I just cut the top off your wellies" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closet saint Posted April 13, 2007 Report Share Posted April 13, 2007 Bufty 1...Y'up? Bufty 2...Yup! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
groo-ver Posted April 14, 2007 Report Share Posted April 14, 2007 a wee junkie walks into a drop-in centre with a parrot on his shoulder.. 'Where the f**k did you find that?' asks the councilor. The parrot replies 'Greenock, there's hunners o' the bastards doon there...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herbie Posted April 17, 2007 Report Share Posted April 17, 2007 A dwarf goes to the doctors and says her fanny is sore...."Pass the scissors, nurse" says the doctor and begins to snip away. After a few minutes he says "Is that better?"...Dwarf says.."That's great!, what did you do?".."I just cut the top off your wellies" Haven't heard that for years. Top class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs SFS Posted April 17, 2007 Report Share Posted April 17, 2007 From an e-mail at work.. ( i think it came from a Morton supporter)Q. Two Rangers supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins? A. Society. The first one was the best, I think. Not so much a joke as an undeniable fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted April 17, 2007 Report Share Posted April 17, 2007 An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted April 19, 2007 Report Share Posted April 19, 2007 not being ageist ..........it's just that.............. Whats pink, smells of piss and goes in, out, in, out? A Granny doing the Hokey-Cokey. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2007 And what has 50 legs and smells of pish? The front row at a Daniel O'Donnell concert... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 An elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time .... At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work .... They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship .... "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say...I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment and then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............ "Is that one word or two?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Zippy Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 What does an Irishman call his pet zebra? Spot....................... How do you define 144 ****? Gross stupidity A Sellik supporter on University Challenge was asked where are the Andes? On the end of your wristies was the retarded reply What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked the shit out of him........... Ian Paisley's wife was visiting the dentist for her six month check up. 'How's the mouth been this weather, Mrs Paisley'? asks the dentist 'Being a fat ignorant bigot as usual' was the reply Hear the one about the gay French butcher? He stuck his meat up two francs................ Hear the one about the bufty working in the sperm bank? He got fired for drinking on the job............... How many Rangers fans does it take to shingle a roof? Well it depends on how thinly you slice them.......... And finally................ The Three Bears decide to take up Inverclyde Council's kind offer of free housing. One day, they return from the woods (in Greenock?)............ 'Who's been eating my porridge' growls Faither Bear 'And who's been eating my porridge' squeals Mither Bear 'f**k the porridge, some c**t's away with the DVD player and hi-fi' greets Baby Bear. Tootle-pip guys and gals Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs SFS Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 An elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time ....At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work .... They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship .... "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say...I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment and then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............ "Is that one word or two?" Good yin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 see david beckham is speaking at a funeral this weekend? he's a dead ball specialist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Street Central Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 This is a true story, . . . . . The Glasgow train from Queen St to Falkirk was very busy. At the next stop a midget got on, an actual, proper wee dwarf midget With a Victoria Wines carry-oot bag. It was quite busy on the train, there was no room for his bag on the Seat beside him, he was looking up at the overhead rack. A good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to put that Up for you mate?" "Yes please" he said, and it was done. But it wasn't up right and when the train moved, a half bottle of Vodka fell out the bag and smashed on the floor. The midget stood up, his face red with rage, the inspector came along To See what was going on. The inspector asked if it was his bag, The midget says "Aye...and Ah'm no happy !!. A voice from the back of the carriage shouts out " Well . . . . . . . Which one are you then ?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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