saintnextlifetime Posted April 9, 2017 Report Share Posted April 9, 2017 Shull goes to the doctors and tells her that some days he feels like a Teepee and other days he feels like a Wigwam . . The doctor then tells Shull that the diagnosis is , he is two tents. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraway saint Posted May 13, 2017 Report Share Posted May 13, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pozbaird Posted May 13, 2017 Report Share Posted May 13, 2017 (edited) Businessman goes to BMW dealership to collect his new top-of-the-range 5 series. Salesman explains that the new stereo system is linked through Sat Nav' to a central computer at BMW HQ. Voice activated - simply say the name of the band you want, and the computer selects their music... business guy is well chuffed with his new wheels and drives off... five minutes down the road he turns the stereo on and in a clear voice says 'The Beatles!'... on comes 'Strawberry Fields Forever'. After fifteeen minutes of Beatles songs, the guy says 'Rolling Stones!'... the Beatles stop playing and on comes 'Brown Sugar'. The guy thinks 'what a car this is', as he pulls up to a roundabout. At the roundabout, two neds in a souped-up white Corsa cut him up at 50mph, nearly smashing into his shiny new Beemer. Guy screams... 'You absolute fcuking cnuts!'... Stereo flickers and starts playing..... 'We are Rangers, super Rangers, no-one likes us....' Edited May 13, 2017 by pozbaird Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted May 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2017 3 hours ago, faraway saint said: Heard it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted June 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E=Mc2 Posted June 7, 2017 Report Share Posted June 7, 2017 The Funny Thread started by Shull? An oxymoron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted August 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted August 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted August 22, 2017 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2017 A joke about the new pound coin has been named the funniest of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Ken Cheng won the 10th annual Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe with: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." The joke, from his show Ken Cheng: Chinese Comedian, won 33% of a public vote on a shortlist of gags picked by comedy critics. Previous winners include Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyons. Follow the BBC at the Edinburgh Festivals Cheng told BBC Radio 4's Today programme he was surprised the joke won the award because it had been a "groaner". "Audiences tends to groan at it a lot," he said. "I'm generally going after laughs, but I'll take the groan." Cheng said he came up with the joke when the government announced plans for the new 12-sided £1 coin in 2014. Asked to pick what joke he thought was the funniest besides his own, he said Frankie Boyle's. Cheng studied maths at Cambridge for a year before dropping out to play online poker professionally. His big break in showbiz came when he reached the final of the 2015 BBC Radio New Comedy Award. On winning the Dave prize, Cheng said: "I am very proud to have won. "As a tribute, I will name my firstborn son after this award and call him 'Joke of the Fringe'." The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine The award, which was voted on by 2,000 people, lists jokes anonymously to avoid any bias towards well-known comedians. Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "From Trump and veganism to the new pound coin, this year's news agenda has certainly also provided some great inspiration for comedians to get grips with. "It's fantastic to see that, even after ten years of the Joke of the Fringe award, there is no shortage of brilliant one-liners delivered at the Festival to get us all laughing." Masai Graham won last year's award with the gag: "My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TPAFKATS Posted August 22, 2017 Report Share Posted August 22, 2017 A joke about the new pound coin has been named the funniest of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Ken Cheng won the 10th annual Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe with: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." The joke, from his show Ken Cheng: Chinese Comedian, won 33% of a public vote on a shortlist of gags picked by comedy critics. Previous winners include Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyons. Follow the BBC at the Edinburgh Festivals Cheng told BBC Radio 4's Today programme he was surprised the joke won the award because it had been a "groaner". "Audiences tends to groan at it a lot," he said. "I'm generally going after laughs, but I'll take the groan." Cheng said he came up with the joke when the government announced plans for the new 12-sided £1 coin in 2014. Asked to pick what joke he thought was the funniest besides his own, he said Frankie Boyle's. Cheng studied maths at Cambridge for a year before dropping out to play online poker professionally. His big break in showbiz came when he reached the final of the 2015 BBC Radio New Comedy Award. On winning the Dave prize, Cheng said: "I am very proud to have won. "As a tribute, I will name my firstborn son after this award and call him 'Joke of the Fringe'." The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine The award, which was voted on by 2,000 people, lists jokes anonymously to avoid any bias towards well-known comedians. Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "From Trump and veganism to the new pound coin, this year's news agenda has certainly also provided some great inspiration for comedians to get grips with. "It's fantastic to see that, even after ten years of the Joke of the Fringe award, there is no shortage of brilliant one-liners delivered at the Festival to get us all laughing." Masai Graham won last year's award with the gag: "My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." My favourites from the list, in no particular order, are 2,4,8,9,14. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraway saint Posted August 24, 2017 Report Share Posted August 24, 2017 Too funny for the Celtic thread................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted September 10, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted September 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintnextlifetime Posted September 27, 2017 Report Share Posted September 27, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted October 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2017 It's a cracker !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted October 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted November 5, 2017 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2017 I'm gonnae fecking miss you, Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted November 9, 2017 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pepé Le Pew Posted November 9, 2017 Report Share Posted November 9, 2017 This morning my neighbour accused me of stealing their underwear from their washing line! Shocked? I almost shat her pants... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pepé Le Pew Posted November 14, 2017 Report Share Posted November 14, 2017 I was out at Dobbies Garden Centre at the weekend and I think I saw Michael J Fox at the flowers section. I couldn't be sure though as he had his back to the Fuchsias... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintnextlifetime Posted November 15, 2017 Report Share Posted November 15, 2017 My uncle used to be a taxi driver , he used to leave home without indicating. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shull Posted November 15, 2017 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Arthur Blair Posted November 15, 2017 Report Share Posted November 15, 2017 My uncle was a ventriloquist. When I was a boy he'd often stick his fist up my arse then tell me not to say anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Arthur Blair Posted November 15, 2017 Report Share Posted November 15, 2017 A jump lead goes into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you but you better not start anything". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Arthur Blair Posted November 15, 2017 Report Share Posted November 15, 2017 Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked to death on his own vimto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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