Bill Lees
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Posts posted by Bill Lees
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up
a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"
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When I was in New York with the Lobsters in 1989, we were staying in Manhattan with some American/ Paisley Grammar Schhool boy equivelants. One hungover morning, myself and the Burnett brothers at a loose end,were having a look through the assembled literature, and happened upon a paperback of the worlds gay bars. As you do, checking out the home front, went to the Scotland section, and under Paisley, was no less than 'The Toby Jug'
Shockeroonie! Anyone care to enlighten?
Are you Frankie Hepburn?
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He spoke about his partner, who is a man.
On national TV.
That's how I know.
I refer you to my previous remark. Heterosexuals do not have a monopoly on being weird.
I really hope you're not implying that I thought him to be weird because of his sexual orientation, because I didn't. I'd be grateful if you could just clarify that.
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Oh, and
7. The way the one that gets picked to choose the box numbers has to do a wee bow or curtsey to the others as they walk out to the "crazy chair".
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Aye right ye are Bill
Mind you, talking about taking it seriously, I heard about a guy whose daughter has actually applied to be on the show.
Fancy that, eh?
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He was a flaming homosexual Bill...does that still make him weird?
Was he? How do you know? Did he declare himself so to be?
Or did you just make that assumption because his manner was rather camp? I do hope not.
Anyway, his sexual orientation is quite irrelevent. He was feckin' weird.
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Noel Edmonds gets paid a lot of money to take it seriously. What's your excuse?
You reckon I take it seriously, Jim? Wonder where you got that notion. It's often one of the funniest game shows on telly.
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1. Numpties who take the programme too seriously.
Ehm, that's it
You mean like Noel Edmonds?
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I find the game itself oddly fascinating, but:
1. The way they all pretend to be the absolute best of mates, to the point almost of mutual masturbation.
2. When all the contestants except the one opening the box join hands and wave up and down in a kind of demented version of Auld Lang Syne in an attempt to magic a small amount of dosh into the box.
3. When the audience all chant "BLUE ! BLUE! BLUE! BLUE!" just before a box gets opened (though this does double the enjoyment when the box contains a big red 250K)
4. Whenever the tosser opening the box says - completly un-necessarily - "I hope it's a blue for you".
5. When the geezer picking the boxes tries to whip the audience into a frenzy.
6. That weird f**ker that sang a bloody song every time he opened his box.
Ooops, sorry, that's more than 5........
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Since I've had my broadband connection, I often leave my machine on overnight with the monitor switched off ( I have two firewalls, up-to-date Norton Anti-Virus and Norton Anti-Spam running). Invariably in the morning, some applications seem spontaneously to have started themselves - usually Windows Explorer, Outlook, Real Player. Sometimes the machine has even powered itself down.
Virus scans reveal no infections, spyware, or such like, and things seem to be running as fast as ever. Anybody know what is going on? Is it acned f**kwits attempting to hack their way into my system? Why are these applications starting up themselves? Would it be better to turn the damned machine off overnight?
Answers on the usual virtual postcard please......
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You mean Mr. Sulu is gay ????
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In your opinion.
Haven't seen CYE so I can't pass comment. When is it on and which channel?
More 4. However, I think the current series may just have ended last night. I have 3 series on DVD you could borrow if you like.
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Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet by Gavin Bryars. Ironic (given BL's take on "faith")? Probably. Deeply moving nevertheless? Undoubtedly.
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1 The Simpsons
2 Scrubs
3 Futurama
4 Cheers
5 Married With Children
Simpsons aside, All pish.
There is really only one other that's any good - Curb Your Enthusiasm.
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"Sizzling Saints" was pretty good. I remember being a bit disappointed when it went official.
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Matt Dawson.
Sick seeing him on TV.
Feck'n dancing pish, cooking bollox and Q of Sport.
Annoying fanny of a man.
Yes, I'll drink to that. There's something about the cut of his jib that I just do not like.
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Oh feck. So Big Eileen's a succubus?
How do you explain the 8 foot high counter in the menswear department, then?
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A pregnant woman fetish now ?
Elsie Tanner's pregnant?
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The really weird thing is, if had to be an actress from Coronation Street, why couldn't it have been this one? :
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Nor have I a clue about your tryst-object, Big Eileen. If you had offered an image as SFS so helpfully did, then I would be grateful...
This is she, Chingo :
Starange, eh? Perhaps I should stress that I didn't actually shag her - it was just a dream.
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Trouble is, those are all too, too boringly predictable. Take last night for example. In a vividly remembered dream featuring "adult content", I was in the menswear department of a large department store, where for some reason the shop assistant, who stood behind a 8 foot high counter looking down at me, was Big Eileen the taxi-controller from Coronation Street. It took longer than expected to process my credit card purchase of jeans and a shirt, so that the shop had shut by the time Big Eileen led me downstairs to the furnishings department where she and I enjoyed a session of mutual carnal pleasure.
All very, very strange, and I don't understand any of it. I should add that it thankfully wasn't a "wet" dream.
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Or is it just me?
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A selection from the past week or so:
Ben Webster: King of the Tenors.
Marc Cohn - Walking in Memphis.
Compay Segundo - Calle Salud.
Paco De Lucia - Cancion Del Fuego.
Cannonball Adderley - Stars Shone On Alabama.
Danny Wilson - Mary's Prayer
Abdullah Ibrahim - The Mountain.
Django Reinhardt - Minor Swing.
The Band - Stage Fright.
Ruby Turner - There's No Better Love.
Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds.
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Yet Another Crap Joke
in General Nonsense
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