Bill Lees

You could argue that Dick Dastardly was actually a crap baddie. How many times was he several miles ahead of every other car in the race, when he could easily have gone on to win it fair and square, but instead stopped to set up some wildly implausible scheme to scupper the other cars - which always backfired ?

It was the Big Yin, of course. And I do not believe Rikki Fulton ever appeared in Supergran.

The Scunner Campbell was the arch-enemy of Supergran and the only criminal in Chisleton. He was never able to get the better of Supergran because he was basically crap and had two of the the most inept sidekicks you've ever seen.

You shoulda checked the website - Rufus Ruffcut drove the Buzz Wagon. The Arkansas Chug-a-bug was driven by a hillbilly and a bear.

Impeccable taste, Sidney. But who the hell is Baron Greenback ?

1. Only Fools & Horses : Rodney and Del-boy emerging from the mist as Batman and Robin . 2. Monty Python's Flying Circus : The fish-slapping dance. 3. Spike Milligan in Q6 : blowing raspberries dressed as a Wagnerian opera singer. 4. Spike again : the Pakistani Dalek sketch : "put him in the curry". 5. Fletcher bating Mr. McKay (any episode of Porridge).

1. Torn ankle ligaments on the first day of a new rugby season. Went on to dance on a miraculously pain-free ankle at a party that night due to a combination of pain-killers and large amounts of alcohol, and awoke to both a ballooned and immensely painful ankle and the mother of all hangovers - couldn't walk so had to crawl to the bog to chunder. I've rarely felt more miserable in all my life. 2. Fell out the bath. Yep, that's right, out the bath. Stood up in the bath, slipped and fell onto the floor. Put my hands out in front of me to break my fall - as you do - only to find to my horror that I'd dislocated a finger in so doing. The finger was at angle of approximately 90 degrees to the other fingers. Baistard doctor in casualty lied to me about not wrenching the finger back into place and then went and did it anyway when I wasn't expecting it. Oh, and they took a photo of it before that. 3. Stood on a sea-urchin on Crete on the second last day of a holiday. Spines embedded right into my heel - as painful as feck. Anaesthetised myself with Metaxa and went to casualty when I got back home. Baistard doctor took the piss relentlessly about possibly the only sea-urchin in Gas Street Basin. By the time he'd dug all the spines out, my heel looked like a pound of mince. 4. Cut my hand with a Stanley knife. Lots and lots of blood. Didn't realise I had so much. 5. Tackled a prop forward who was doing approximately 35 mph. Didn't quite get it right and when I stood up and my head cleared my right ear was partially torn off the side of my head and was actually flapping about loosely. Plenty of blood again. Was taken to casualty where the baistard doctor warned me that because the ear was mainly cartilage the anaesthetic may not take and that the stitches to sew the lug back on might be painful. They were - felt every baistard one. Ooyah.

Q : How do you torture a Scotsman ? A : Nail his feet to the floor and put on a Jimmy Shand record ! =========================================== Did somebody mention Andy Stewart ?

That the first ever song broadcast on Radio Clyde was Kenneth McKellar singing "The Song of The Clyde" ? For more nostalgia about Tiger Tim, Tom Ferrie, Richard Park, Dougie Donnelly, McLaughlin's Ceilidh and Iain Anderson, check the link . Clyde Stuff

To get to the other side !

When was the last time anybody heard a genuinely new joke ?

Really, Mr. Bajan Saint ? Thanks for that extremely helpful advice. I'll be straight down the Evangelical Church of the Pious God-Botherers first thing on Sunday.

Erm, isn't he a famous tennis player ?

Since it's slighty pointless to argue about whether one person's subjective point of view about a piece of art is more valid than another's, I suggest we draw this to a close, Mr. Bajan Saint, flattered as I am to have provoked you into featuring me on your signature.

1. "Back to back". Insidiously spread throughout the media and now entering general usage, this nonsensical Americanism apparently means "successive". Gets right on my tits because it's ugly, American, and most of all, makes no sense at all. Think about it. If something is "back to back" with something else, it can only go in the opposite direction. And the "back" of one thing, by which I gather we are to understand the end, cannot be adjacent to the "back" or end, of the other - which is just starting. Anybody using this should be castrated. 2. "Leverage". Clumsy enough in ordinary usage, this example of Harvard Business School gibberish has pressed a noun into service as a verb. "We must leverage our skills into the market place". Utter bollocks. 3. "Thinking out of the box". What the feck does it mean? 4. "Headed up". Specifically the "up", as in "the new division will be headed up by Jim McDonald". What is that "up" doing in there ? Completely un-necessary and redundant. Another bloody Americanism. 5. "Absolutely". A pet hate of mine. Ubiquitously used, in particular by media types, but increasingly by the world and his dog. Why ? Okay to use as an emphatic response, but now apparently replacing the perfectly adequate everyday word normally used as an affirmative response - "yes". "have you finished your scrambled eggs, Jimmy ?" "Absolutely." - aaaarrrrgggghhh !!!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into the Caledonian Hotel for a big chess tourney. They gathered in the lobby, and were discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," says the manager, "I cannae stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." *** reaches for overcoat ****

Would that involve cutting a big hole in the ice and baiting it with peas ?

Sorry Sid, but I haven't a feckin clue what you're talking about now .....

I was - about you missing it. And it looks like you've done it again.

Nonsense, Howard. S'no pish. The Coconut Dug joke is the funniest joke in the world. Or I'm Sally Gunnell.

Bloke goes into a butcher's shop. Says to the butcher " Do you keep dripping ?" Butcher says "No." Bloke says "Damn, you've spoiled the joke. "

Sorry Sid, but it ain't one of Gilliam's I'm familiar with. Is it "The Fisher King", by any chance ? Failing that, Is it "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" ? (I've seen neither film).

But surely it wouldne work on rabbits ?

Ahh, but there is FAR more to "Withnail and I " than Richard E. Grant's performance - extraordinary as that is. Ralph Brown, Richard Griffiths, Paul McGann and Michael Elphick all turn in terrific performances too, and the script is filled with wonderful moments. The elegiac tone of the picture overall is superb. The word "c**t" in itself isn't funny of course, but in the context of the two usages it gets in the film - it is. And it's not intended to be "big or clever" - talk about missing the point.........

Wee Sammy rolls in from school one afternoon and plonks himself down on the sofa. His Mum comes in and says “Sammy – it’s your birthday next week. Have you thought about what you’d like for a birthday present ? “ Sammy thinks for a few seconds and says : “ Aye – I want a coconut dugâ€. “A coconut dug ?†says his Mum. “What’s one of them ?. I’ve never heard of that sort of dug before. Are you quite sure about this ? Where did you hear about these dugs ?†“Well,†says Wee Sammy, I was down the petshop on Tuesday looking at the wee animals in the shop windae.†“There was definitely a dug in there, and after a while two big boys came and looked in the windae too. I definitely heard one of them say to his pal - ‘Jings – would you look at the coconut dug’ “. I had my coat ready anyway ………………..