Bill Lees

She was probably pissed off that you were also wiping your knob on the curtains at the time.

Hope you weren't moving your lips as you were reading .......

The Da Vinci Code. Utter cobblers from start to finish. Redeemed only by a massively over-the-top, camp--as-christmas performance from Ian McKellen.

Ingrid Pitt got her threepennies out in the Wicker Man as well (or was it some other bint in the bathtub?)

1. Juliet Stevenson in "Drowning by Numbers". 2. Helen Mirren in "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover". 3. Jamie Lee Curtis in "Trading Places". 4. Jenny Agutter in anything. 5. That wifie in "Betty Blue".

I once mistook that photie for the barmaid's cleavage.....

Thanks, Allan I understand now. It's Bisland's.

Bislands does, so does the Station. But the Stow Brae disnae. Where the feck is it ? Did it use to be called someething else? Throw me a feckin bone here.

I know I've been away from Paisley for quite a while, but can anybody tell me where the feck the Stow Brae is ?

I thought it was supposed to be the top five things? You don't mean to tell me you enjoy visiting those cathedrals of hatred?

Does anybody know what the "Y" in "R.Y. Corbett" stood for ? Was it Ygor ?

Have you ever tried politely pointing out the error of their ways to somebody who has failed to bin their litter? Foul-mouthed abuse doesn't begin to cover it - particularly from those aged under 12. You'd think you'd just suggested buggering them up against the nearest lamp-post. How have we come to such a pass? In my day, my folks woulda gie' n me a leatherin', etc, etc, etc, etc ........<fades into old codger mode>...................

Your nose is too near your arse (and/or your oxters).

1. Smoke-Free pubs - they're brilliant ! Shoulda done this years ago. Also noticed that people with an eye for the main chance have put advertising signs outside pubs where smokers gather for a gasper, and in the Bull, wee tags that you're supposed to put on your pint saying "please don't touch my pint, I'm outside having a ciggie". 2. Day-glo referees and linesmen - what's all that about ? 3. Why isn't the roof of the Abbey green any more ? 4. Anchor Mills - new bridge, new Morrisons, new f**k-off posh-bastard flats. Jings. 5. Paisley Panda is truly shit. He's the wrong shape, his head is too big, all he does is strut about like a tit. Not like the original at all.

Ahh, sorry to hear that Wilbur. She was a terrific teacher.

Hence what's the difference between light and hard ? You can sleep with a light on.

Jeez, pass me the bloody sick bag ........

What's a monkey boot ?

It definitely was Miss MacIntyre. She is imprinted on my memory as she told me, in her O level class that "you won't be back next year of course, Lees". I thought "I'll show you you old ratbag", and promptly went and got a grade A in the O level. The look on her face on the first day of the Higher French class when she clocked me was priceless. On the other languages front, do you remember Frau U'Prichard ? Totally brilliant German teacher with a wonderful sense of humour - a really lovely woman.

When did the bugger snuff it then ? He really was an unmitigated tyrant. Remember how he used to lurk in the Memorial Hall at period changeovers waiting to catch any poor sod that went the wrong way round the balcony?

Too true, Fife - a brilliant, brilliant English teacher - at least on a par with McCamley. As a gaelic-speaking Teuchter, he'd had to learn English before he could teach it, but he was unrivalled in his ability to fire you with enthusiasm for English literature. Remember he used to say things like "Haff you read any Gerard Manley-Hopkins ?" We'd all shake our heads. "Oh, you're lucky. You haff that pleasure to come." Never did understand why he was known as Spazz.

There's NO need for an "apres goal" tune. We're more than capable of making our own noise. It's a feckin abomination - especially on our pish tannoy system.

Remembering sweetie tobacco. Could they market that nowadays ?

Naw - Betty is ma Aunt. Though I fear she may now be broon breid.

He's a lot to answer for, has Uncle Bobby.