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Crispian Crunchie

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Everything posted by Crispian Crunchie

  1. I hope that you're not suggesting that Wee Lorraine puts out for a big enough wedge?
  2. 1. Bung a large wedge of cash into St Mirren (I'm assuming this is everybody's first one). 2. Pay off what's left on the mortgage (not that much) and maybe buy a new place in the Highlands and one on Crete. 3. Buy a really decent and comfortable vehicle (a Saab, say) and spend about a month or two just driving round the British Isles discovering and visiting all the places I've never been to, staying in well-comfortable hotels every night. 4. Bung some dosh to the rellies and any firends that needed some. 5. Erm, that's it. Might get myself a boat.
  3. Sydney Devine and Smudger McDade - Red Zimmer Shuffle.
  4. Get Jiggy with Ma Doggy........ The Farting Spaniels.
  5. What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas? A smaller turkey. If anyone is interested I've got tickets for the opera this weekend. They're a tenor less than advertised. I went to watch Pavarotti last year in concert. He's was a miserable bastard. Didn't like anybody joining in.
  6. I've been considering Kate Silverton recently, and I've concluded that she is in fact a bovine munter. Dunno why people go on about how sexy she is.
  7. I thought so too, Sid. Dunno what Howard is on about.
  8. Actually, I thought he was a really okay sort of guy. But I never really knew him.
  9. I don't know what you're talking about.......
  10. ......has been utter PISH for ages. I mean - "Top Five Best Of Albums" for feck's sake. How about a bit more imagination?
  11. An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
  12. Maybe we should remind you that the title of the thread is the "Top 5 Thinking Man's Crumpet"
  13. A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident'. She asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'
  14. Can't resist that "last turkey in the shop" look, eh?
  15. 1. Martha Kearney 2. Francine Stock 3. Kirsty Wark 4. Susannah Reed 5. Germaine Greer.
  16. A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks. "She has," says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".
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