Bill Lees

1. M. "Pop Music". 2. Buggles - "Video Killed the Radio Star". 3. Propaganda "Duel". 4. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - "Two Tribes". 5. Kraftwerk - "The Model".

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist ? He got the sack.

True about Harry's hair - a weird hybrid of Professor Pat Pending from Wacky races and Andrew "Brillo Pad" Neill. genius with bikes, mind. I wonder where Harry is now - Broon Breid ?

Me no understand. I've always accepted Withnail & I. In fact, did I mention that I quite like it ? Do you want patronising today at all ?

Nah - that's Withnail & I - according to one rather aggressive contributor on here now and again. Isn't that the point ? You've a subjective view of it which is that you don't like it. A few other people have another equally subjective view of it which is that they do like it. You never will understand why this is the case, and although it is possible to analyse objectively the elements that make Shawshank a pretty good film, it's also possible to do the same for those elements which arguably make it a bad film. Thus it is with all forms of art. Better just to accept it and move on. P.S. There's sometimes a load to be said for steaming sentimental rubbish.

A footballer dies, and arrives at the gates of heaven where an angel awaits him. "Now then," says the angel, "before you enter here, is there anything that happened to you on earth upon which you would like your mind set at rest?" The footballer thinks for a moment and then says "Well, there is one thing - I played for St Mirren, and there was this really important cup game against Rangers. I scored this goal that I've always been pretty sure was off-side. It won us the match and we went on to win the cup, but I've always been a bit troubled about it". "Oh, don't worry about that," replies the angel, "We know all about that goal up here. It was perfectly okay, so you can banish your doubts. Come away in." "Thanks ever so much for setting my mind at rest, St Peter." says the player. The angel replies: "But I'm not St Peter, you know - it's his day off today." "Then who are you?" says the footballer. "I'm St Mirren," comes the reply.

Janet Ellis - no doubt about it. Also Tina Heath - orginally Lizzie Dripping but also latterly a Blue Peter presenter. Definitely agree with Felicity Kendall, also Jenny Hanley - Susan Stranks' successor on Magpie. And Kate Bush. These days : 1. Nigella Lawson 2. Vicki Butler-Henderson (Top Gear) 3. Sarah Beeny (Property Ladder, see below) 4. Shefali Oza (Midlands Today Weather girl - see here 5. Still Kate Bush.

There's really only one that sticks in my mind. Billy Stark's brilliant solo goal on a vile windswept and pissing down Tuesday night at Love Street versus Aberdeen. Starky had woven his way to the edge of the 18 yard box and from there placed a brilliant shot into the far corner of the net that wedged itself under the net support stanchion and stuck there. As it hit home and the crowd went absolutely potty, Starky simply stood stock still in the pouring rain with a big daft grin on his coupon and both arms raised to the heavens. He was shortly mobbed by ecstatic team-mates, but the effect was excellent.

The debate about future funding of public service broadcasting is definitely an interesting one. The way that TV services are delivered is changing, and there's certainly an argument that says the TV licence is an outmoded way of continuing to fund the BBC. However, I think we'll have to try hard to come up with something that's better than the TV licence. If you start from the premise that public service broadcasting as a whole, and the BBC in particular, are desirable things to have (and both Andy and Dave might just accept that), then what's a better answer than if you own a TV set, you pay a licence to use it ? I'm afraid I don't buy the argument that runs "I never watch the BBC/listen to BBC radio/use the BBC web pages, so why should I pay". That isn't the point. I don't have children at school, but I don't begrudge paying council tax, of which a part goes to fund education locally, because overall, I accept that the provision of decent education is a good thing for the community generally. Same principle applies with the licence fee. What's the alternative ?

Well, the answer to that is that some of the licence money clearly does - all over the country. If the Beeb haven't yet sorted out any transmission probs in your area you should contact them - but all large organisations have to have priorities in these matters. But two points here - one, if you're shelling out for a satellite dish anyway (and presumably you're not doing that just to watch the Beeb), then it's not a problem for you. The equipment you use to receive the BBC shouldn't be a factor in you paying or not paying the license fee. And two, Analogue TV signals will be turned off in 8 years or so anyway, when we'll all (in theory) be digital.

Couldn't disagree more. The TV license fee represents excellent value for money in funding the BBC as a public broadcasting organisation, particularly when you take into account the TV services, terrestrial and digital, the radio stations, and possibly the best and busiest internet pages in the world. Sky is mostly full of crap. If you don't value British televison and the BBC - and the unique way it is funded throught the license fee - then go to America and watch their TV for any length of time and see what a nightmare broadcasting left to unrestricted market forces would become.

Nah. That would have sounded too much like the "Community Charge" - which Johnny Major wanted to distance himself from completely 'cos it was too closely associated with Thatch. Mind you, just about everybody called that the Poll Tax, anyway....

Yes, I agree. That's why I said You do take the point about it not being exactly a "rip-off", though, don't you ?

I didn't say it was fair, just that it's not strictly true to describe it as a "rip-off". The owner of the Band F house should be equally as able to pay the associated council tax rate as the owner of the band H house . I agree that a local income tax would be far preferable, though .

Bill, I agree with all that except for number one - don't understand how it's a "rip-off". Council Tax is based on a banding corresponding to the value of your house. Obviously, a rich person will have a more valuable house, and pay more council tax. But unless you introduce a local income tax, you'll always get the proportion of income anomaly where some peole have stellar incomes way above the average. But it's not a rip-off, in that people generally speaking pay no more than what they can in reality afford.

Well, he does have the substantial advantage of being alive........

I too, must confess to having Bo Hansson's Music Inspired by Lord of The Rings. Sadder yet is that in a moment of madness I recently bought it on cd as well. Haven't played it much.......

1. A precision screwdriver, medium size. 2. A straightened out paper-clip. 3. The pocket clip on the cap of a biro. 4. A match-stick. 5. The ignition key for your car.

1. Brad Pitt - "I'm desperate for a Brad...." 2. Richard the Third - "There, on the pavement, lay a small brown Richard......" 3. Eartha Kitt - "That's me just away for an Eartha ....." 4. Douglas Hurd - "I'd just deposited a large Douglas when blow me if there's no bloody bog roll...." 5. Turkish Delight - "Swimming at Saltcoats was no fun - Turkish Delight was floating everywhere."

You're nearly right, Tom. baiser, literally translated, is indeed "to kiss", but in colloquial French usage (as in the film title), it's a little stronger than "kiss". Hence the proper translation of the file "Baise-moi" is actually "Fu ck Me."

Did you know that virtually all tennis players are in fact witches ? For example, look at Goran - even he's a witch. Is that my coat just there ?

Oh aye, and there's : "We love cheese and biscuits, We love horsemeat too, We love Michel Platini, La France we love you. " and the classically simple and direct (if more rugby oriented) : "You can stuff yer farkin chariot up yer arse !"

1. "We hate Jimmy Hill. He's a poof ! He's a poof !" (to the tune of the British Airways "Fly the Flag Advert") 2. "Sing when you're whaling ! You only sing when you're whaling" (sung to the Norwegian fans at the World cup, 1998). 3. "Oooh Scotland - Scotland - We'll walk a million miles For one of your goals Oh Scotland ! " 4. "You put your left hand in, You put your left hand out, You put your left hand in and you shake it all about, You do the hokey cokey and you score a goal, That's what it's all about, Oh, Diego Maradona, Oh, Diego Maradona, Oh, Diego Maradona, He put the English OUT, OUT, OUT! " 5. "One team in Tallinn There's only one team in Tallinn One team in Talliiiiiiinn........ There's only one team in Tallinn " (Sung by the Tartan Army when Estonia failed to turn up for their 1996 World Cup qualifier in the Estonian capital) All probably in this book : Tartan Army Songbook . Think I'll be ordering it.......

Don't think so. But Isuppose it could have been......

1. Seaside Shuffle - Terry Dactyl & The Dinosaurs. 2. Heart on my Sleeve - Gallagher & Lyle. 3. Bluebell Polka - Jimmy Shand and his Band. 4. Shaddup Your Face - Joe Dolce. 5. .... erm.... that's it.