Crispian Crunchie

Anybody read that story last week about Dolly Parton opening up a library scheme in of all places, Rotherham? Seems that Dolly had just sung her famous song "Coat of Many Colours" and explained to the company how she came to write the song: "This little song is about when I was a little bitty baby, we was poor, and ma momma made for me a coat from all of the bits of old rags that she found in her sewin' box...." At which point a voice from the back grunted loudly : "You were lucky......."

AHEM

Jumpers for goalposts.....

Ahh, I'm sure I could revive a much more pointless one than this one, and this week, too .......

Shurely shome mishtake. Sports commentators, not Hebridean shepherds.

Just thought it wouild be a good idea to revive this 5 year old thread.

1. Bill McLaren. The Voice of Rugby, and unquestionably the finest commentator of all time, in any sport. 2. Peter O'Sullevan. His majestically hypnotic tones made dull horse races intersting. 3. David Francie. The Scots football commentator. 4. Syd Waddell ("His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"). 5. John Arlott - literate, cultured, perfection in a voice like Bailey's .

The Robinson Crusoe theme goes "DA DA DA DAAA DA DAAAAAAAAH ! DA DA DA DAA DUM DAH DI DUM DAAAAH !

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'In order to enter paradise, you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas. ' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' And Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?' 'These', the man replied, a wicked smile playing around his lips, 'are Carol's.'

Aieee. Taxi, of course. How could I have left out Taxi. The wonderful Bob James.

1. The Prisoner. 2. Doctor Who. 3. The Rockford Files. 4. Cagney & Lacey. 5. Curb Your Enthusiasm. 6. Supergran. Bugger, that's six. Ah well. ne'er mind.

Yeah, Garry Glitter said something like that too.

I'm sure this has been posted already, but what the hell - I like it : Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and during the course of the interview bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla sidled up to Sean and said, "Sean, 'ope I'm not bein' too forward, but I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun." So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean said, "If you think that wash good, jusht let me shleep for half an hour, then we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold ma bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looked a bit perplexed, but said "Awright chook" and gripped Sean's wedding tackle. Sean slept for half an hour, then woke, and he and Cilla had even better sex than before. Then Sean said, "Shilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." I gerrit Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem ***". Cilla again complied with the routine, and when Sean woke up again, sure enough The results were absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic. Once it was all over, they had another drink, Sean lit a cigarette, and Cilla asked "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?" Sean replied, "No, not at all Shilla, It's just that the last time I shlept with a scouser, she shtole ma feckin' wallet".

Traffic cop pulls over a car for speeding and walks up to it to find a nun at the wheel. "Dearie me, Sister Matilda, not again. This is the fourth time this week. Well, you know what this means, don't you?" The policeman simultaneously begins unzipping his flies. Sister Matilda's eyes are drawn to the bobby's zip, and she gasps : "Oh no - not the breathalyser again."

I think he said he wants raspberry sauce on the top.

The only drawback is that Kirstie is a scummy Tory. I could never bring myself to..... ach well, alright, if she was offering it.......

I should co-co.

Nice choices, Gunni & Foxbar.

Shurely shome mishtake?

Sid, you are a disgusting pervert.

How feckin weird is that?

The Chuffing Song - Walter Gabriel

Heh heh. The biter bit.

More's the pity ........