Wilbur

Ushers was definitely the WORST lager / heavy on sale when I was a teenager. They tried to re-market it as Lorimers, but forgot to change the recipe. Dryburghs was also disgusting, but Ushers was in a league of its own.

1. Stella Artois 2. Another four Stella Artois Unfortunately they don't sell draught Stella in the Wee Barrel.

The old Top Gear theme tune (Jessica by The Allman Brothers Band) was also a belter. I don't think they use it since the BBC revamped the show.

Was it World In Action that sampled Nantucket Sleighride by Mountain ? No - Nantucket Sleighride was used as the intro music for "Weekend World". World in Action was summat else again . Oh right. Maybe Weekend World was what Dirty Sanchez was actually referring to when he mentioned World In Action . Which of those current affairs programmes used Sibelius - was that maybe World In Action ?

Was it World In Action that sampled Nantucket Sleighride by Mountain ?

1. Madeline (Maddy) Smith - '70s British actress, but probably best known as Erotica in Frankie Howerd's Up Pompei - pretty girl, terrific bosoms. 2. Alexandra Bastedo - the only reason The Champions was worth watching on TV. 3. Carol Cleveland - we used to watch Monty Python every week hoping that Carol would show a bit more flesh. 4. Sylvia Sims - Sadly a bit of an old boiler nowadays, but was utterly gorgeous in 'Ice Cold In Alex'. 5. Valerie Leon - Another '70s British actress, best known for her appearances in the Hai Karate after-shave ads. Seriously big woman, built to last.

You've missed it. It was on late on (I think ?) Monday night, might've been Sunday though (I'm senile, you know).

What a week for fans of The Smiths, eh ? A TV documentary about Morrissey, and Captain Sensible re-invents himself as "Bigmouth". So, what are your favourite lyrics from The Smiths songbook ? Difficult one, but here goes ...... 1. ASK Spending warm summer days indoors writing frightening verse to a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg 2. THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT And if a double-decker bus crashes in to us to die by your side such a heavenly way to die and if a ten ton truck kills the both of us to die by your side the pleasure and the privilege is mine 3. SOME GIRLS ARE BIGGER THAN OTHERS As Anthony said to Cleopatra as he opened a crate of ale: some girls are bigger than others some girls are bigger than others some girls mothers are bigger than other girls mothers 4. PANIC Hang the blessed D.J. Because the music that they constantly play IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE Hang the blessed D.J. 5. REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN Fifteen minutes with you oh I wouldn't say no people see no worth in you oh but I do

Footer - To delay longer than is absolutely necessary. Hurdies - The bottom cheeks. Chug - To masturbate. Wheech - To travel at high speed. Shoosht - Please be a little less noisy.

1. Italy 0 North Korea 1 (1966 World Cup, can't remember who eventually won the tournament) - The mighty Italians, legends in their own imagination, humped by a pishy wee team from somewhere in the Far East. How we laughed !! 2. Foinavon ?? Pah !! The greatest achievement from a 100/1 outsider came in the 1990 Cheltenham Gold Cup. The CGC is THE steeplechase for true quality horses, running off level weights, not a handicap (or a lottery) like the Aintree showpiece. Norton's Coin, a 100/1 rank-outsider and acknowledged nae-chancer owned & trained by a Welsh farmer called Sirrell Griffiths, humiliated the rest of the field. A superb ride by Graham McCourt, and probably the biggest upset in the history of National Hunt racing. 3. Sunderland 1 Leeds 0 (1973 FA Cup Final). Leeds were the greatest team of their generation - every man an international (I think), facing a bunch of journeymen from the unfashionable second division. Ian Porterfield scored the goal, but goalkeeper Jim Montgomery was the hero of the day for the Rokerites. 4. Arthur Ashe v Jimmy Connors, Wimbledon Final, 1975. Connors was unbeatable. Ashe was a decent player but it promised to be another one-sided final (Connors had humiliated veteran Ken Rosewall in the final the previous year). Ashe gubbed the younger man in 4 sets (6-1, 6-1, 5-7, 6-4). 5. 1985 World Snooker final. The Nugget was mega odds-on to stiffen Dennis Taylor, and it was little surprise when Davis won the opening 8 frames. The rest is history.

This would have been the first officialsong broadcast on Radio Clyde, but they were broadcasting 'test' shows over the airwaves for several weeks before the official opening of the station. It used to be quite amusing listening to some fairly amateurish auditions from pathetic would-be DJs, as well as practice shows from the eventual hosts.

WWF or LOTR ? Is there perhaps a third option, less painful and tedious ? Having your testicles roasted on a spit ? Getting a 12" nail whacked up your bahooky ? Watching a re-run of Deportivo vs Man U ? WWF / LOTR ............ zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm feckin' confused now. I don't even know anybody called Orville Wright.

1. Dopey 2. Smelly 3. Farty 4. Pukey 5. Morton Fan They're all the same person, obviously.

I once watched a documentary on TV about a guy who had a massive windfall and he spent it all on a single (but very large) turnip. Well, I think it was a documentary ........

I'm in complete agreement with Reidy. Not only are they (almost) without exception pish-awful songs, the whole concept of national anthems is outdated and devisive. A bit like Roman Catholic schools and non-denomination schools I suppose, but maybe that's a different debate.

1. Pleased to meet you. 2. What do you think about ...................... ? 3. Tell me a bit about yourself. 4. I'm just going to the toilet ...................... 5. What are you drinking ?

1. Ali v Foreman. Genius from Ali, allowing the younger, stronger man to throw punches until he had exhausted himself. Superb self-discipline to wait, wait and wait a bit longer until his moment arrived. 2. Cooper v Bugner. Not an epic contest but pure magic to see the pride of England (Our 'Enery) getting the shitty end of a dodgy judging decision. Bugner never received the credit he was due for winning this one. 3. Tyson v Buster Douglas. Brilliant to see 'unbeatable' Tyson getting caught. 4. Clay v Liston. No hoper stops the invincible world champ. Was the fight fixed ? Who cares, wonderful drama. 5. Di Canio v Skinny English Ref. This guy took a dive, mark my words. Paulo barely touched him and down he went in a theatrical stagger-and-stumble routine. Hysterical stuff.

I remember McMillan's winner at Dens Park, what a defensive howler it was. Jamie Fullarton had scored for us first and Charnley equalised with a 30 yard free kick in the second half, which he took quickly while our defence was daydreaming. Other late goals - what about TT's goal at Love Street in the 3-2 vs Raith Rovers in 99-00. And those 2 late goals scored by Hammarby against St Mir ............................. ach, s***e.

I thought it was Inverness THISTLE we beat in the third round in '87.