Alba

Voxtrot - The Start of Something. Like someone has given Morrisey singing lessons...

Naw man, you don't need to re-install everything just to get shot of a virus. Go to http://www.free-av.com and download their personal AntiVir Classic. It's free and is probably the best antivirus programme out there (unless you like throwing money at Norton etc.) Run the install and set their 'Luke Filewalker' programme to work on your hard drive. It'll find and scrub just about any nasties you care to name. I used to reckon I was fairly careful when it came to this sort of thing but AntiVir found all sorts of stuff that the likes of Adaware and SpyBot missed completely. And be more particular in your choice of adult entertainment portals!!!

Personally, I hate the close season and I'm delighted to see all the aggro back on the board. The Captain stirring away like a Magimix 2000, Reidy as withering as a very withering thing, members of the great Greenockian unwashed contributing their ill-considered slabberings. And to top it all, out traditional pish start to the season allowing the usual bawheids to call for the manager's head and write off our chances after two games. It's great to be back.

Last 5: Going Postal - Terry Pratchett The Algebraist - Iain "M" Banks Be My Enemy - Heartspark Malt Whisky Companion - Michael Jackson (not that one) Benny: Life & Times - John Burrowes (biog of Benny Lynch - excellent book)

Grand National - Kicking The National Habit Keane - Hopes & Fears James - Best Of Tragically Hip - Road Apples Damien Rice - O

1. Mad About Alice - utter pash with Jamie Theakston and Les Dennis's ex looking embarassed 2. My Hero - what on earth was Ardal O'Hanlon thinking? 3. Oh Dr Beeching - 80s rubbish starring the entire cast of Hi-de-Hi. Christ I hated this programme. 4. 3 Non Blondes - agree with Sid, utter shyte. Being coloured, female and loud does not necessarily make you funny. You actually need humerous material too. 5. Celeb - that Harry Enfield abortion where he tried to base an entire comedy series on a Private Eye cartoon. Nice one Harry. The High Life was indeed quality.

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your holy popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

1) Mickey Ward v Arturo Gatti 1 - if you like boxing and have never seen this fight, get it on tape and watch it. It's just incredible. It's like a real-life Rocky fight. 2) Benn v McClellan - lucky enought to be at this one. Fantastic, regardless of the aftermath. 3) Honeyghan v Curry - get in there Honey!!! 4) Lewis v Tyson - how much did I enjoy seeing Silly Voice getting taken apart? 5) Hamed v Belcastro - possibly the most complete domination of a world-class fighter EVER. BTW, if anyone's as keen on the fight game as me (SHTN, ST SID?), you might want to have a look at the SecondsOut chatroom. Quite a few Scots on there. http://www.secondsout.com/