FTOF

1.Coronation street 2.Lost 3.24 4.Frasier 5.Heartbeat

Billy Peacock is the manager.

It appears to be down.

Last five- The Crystal gorge - David Eddings A Stroke of midnight - Laurell K. Hamilton The Da Vinci code - Dan Brown The Grey man - Graham Masterton All fun and games until somebody loses an eye - Christopher Brookmyre

1.Prague 2.Dubai 3.Toronto 4.Barcelona 5.Palma (city)

Slaughter and the dogs Satans Rats The Lurkers Stiff Little Fingers The Vibrators

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/guide/articles...o_7774790.shtml The other two shows mentioned were excellent too.

Well done Tom McB.One of the good guys. Unfortunately for every Morton fan like you there's a thick wee c**t like Tossco.

Anything made by Austin Morris. e.g. Princess/Ambassador;Allegro;Maestro; Maxi;Marina.

ZZ top - Legs J.Geils band - Angel in the centre fold T'Pau - Heart and soul Madonna - Like a virgin All offerings with scantily clad, superb fanny in them. They used to be played all the time in the mid eighties in The Stags head before and after Saints games.

AFAIK Deep Dish only have one album (Junk Science) where they have produced their own tracks.One of the tracks on Junk Science is in conjunction with Everything but the girl.It is a very good album though. Most of the Deep Dish stuff, including the one I mentioned, is Sharam and Dubfire (the two DJ's who make up Deep Dish) mixing dance tunes.Their offerings from Global underground are excellent including thge afterclub mixes.

Renaissance presents Everybody - Sander Kleinenberg Café Del Mar volumen seis Underworld 1992-2002 Strange cargo III - William Orbit Global Underground Toronto - Deep Dish

That's because they swim as fast as f**k.

They had the world championship flounder spearing championship there a few years back I believe.

1.Port Bannatyne 2.Ettrick Bay (You didn't notice the sewage when you were a kid.I thought it was some sort of strange sea creature) 3.*Kingarth/Kilchattan Bay(The Kingarth Hotel - good beer) 4.Rothesay (I made the c**t that owned Billy's Bingo a f**king millionaire!) 5.Scalpsie and Stravanan (Beaches I know but quality all the same.Except for the day my wee brother threw a jellyfish at me in my speedos at Stravanan.Now that was f**king painful! ) * playing Kingarth Golf club is a must as it's got barbed wire fences encircling the greens to keep the coos and sheep aff.And there was a par 6 hole there too.)

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,and because the bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time, gravity and child birth had taken their toll and she reckoned that with five children under her belt she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I have received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient - that he wanted to show his thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy "The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

What did one snowman say to another snowman ? Can you smell carrots ?

What's a shitsu ? One with no animals!

A man is lying in bed when his naked wife decides to view herself in the mirror. She says,"Look at me I'm a disaster.I've got saggy tits,a big fat arse and a pot belly." The man says nothing. She says,"Look I'm really depressed about this can't you say something complementary about me ?" He says,"Well at least your eyesight is f**king spot on!"

You couldn't beat the punk era for not so much daft, but classically strange names. Favourites ? Rat Scabies - The Damned Pauline Penetration - Penetration William Mysterious - Rezillos Gail Warning - Rezillos Steve Spunker (Steve Severin) - Siouxsie and the Banshees Beki Bondage - Vice Squad

One of my mates once dragged me along to a Rush concert at Ingliston around 1983 ish ? The only song I liked was "Spirit of radio".Needless to say they played that first.I spent the rest of the gig scoping fanny and didn't listen to another s***e tune.

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says,"Can you smell fish ?". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other,"How do you drive this thing?". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other,"Does this taste funny to you ?". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the magic tractor ? It turned into a field.

It was in the Herald diary about 3 weeks ago. Made me laugh.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "I can hear someone coming Let's go to my apartment." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."