Reidy1987 Posted January 20, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 So, what has horns, gives milk, carries a rifle and wears number 7 on its back? A right-wing military coo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 And what religion is the last pigeon in the flock of pigeons? A Hindu. I'll try this 'joke' and the wan above, tonight.. and see how/if they translate intae Engerlish. I fear - not at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted January 20, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Try this one as well... Two ducks are flying over Belfast. One turns to the other and goes "Quack! Quack!" And the other one goes "Feck off! I'm flying as quack as I can!" Boom, boom... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Progress report: The Coo went well. The Hindu caused bafflement. The ducks wis auld. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 (edited) George Best - the famous Irishman - is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches George's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. George tells his story of the trees in the road when the cop stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Christ's sake, George, that's yer air freshener!" Edited January 30, 2004 by chingford Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted January 27, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 A man goes to the doctor`s for his wife`s test results... Mr Smith: "I`m here for Mrs Smith`s test results." Receptionist: "Oh, I`m sorry Mr Smith, there`s been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don`t know which belongs to your wife..... I`m afraid it`s bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer`s Disease, the other shows AIDS!" Mr Smith: "That`s awful! What should I do?" Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don`t shag her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtrooper Posted January 30, 2004 Report Share Posted January 30, 2004 A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs for a game of hide the sausage?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride, "all the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. "In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, why don't we say, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife, who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself so she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband, "It was only a small load so I did it by hand". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenny P Posted February 9, 2004 Report Share Posted February 9, 2004 2 sharks, swimming along, one says to the other, "i'm fkn sick of eating tuna every day" the other shark says, "do you fancy heading to Morcambe Bay for a Chinese then?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted February 10, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 2 sharks, swimming along, one says to the other, "i'm fkn sick of eating tuna every day" the other shark says, "do you fancy heading to Morcambe Bay for a Chinese then?" Beat me to it yabassa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted February 10, 2004 Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 And..... Police in Liverpool have discovered 24 pairs of shoes in a small 1 bedroom flat in China town... ( they think they're Winkle pickers). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted February 11, 2004 Report Share Posted February 11, 2004 It gets worse... Police have named six of the Morecambe victims - Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Leff Too Dy, Fu ken Nippy and Ty Dis HI ................................ Cockle Pickers wages are to rise to £2 per hour, to enable them to keep their heads above water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted February 12, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2004 After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" . "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him, as is my duty. The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."He's a dead ringer for his brother." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted February 12, 2004 Report Share Posted February 12, 2004 Police have discovered the reason behind the death of the chinese at morcambe! they were told to stop when the tide reached knee high. unfortunately Nee Hi was sitting in the van Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Biscuits Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 A Greenock girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Greenock girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus and Fergus" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Greenock girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout FERGUS, YER DINNER'S READY or FERGUS GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ruggy Bairn Posted February 26, 2004 Report Share Posted February 26, 2004 Ian Paisley goes for a luxury cruise. The captain decides that seeing as he is a minor celebrity, he'll give him the grand tour. He's wandering around the ship with the rev, and telling him about the ship and the crew. "Oi hope you've nut got any catholics on your staff son. Ye can't trust 'em." "We actually only have one Rev., and he's very trustworthy, I'll show you." The captain takes him onto the main deck, where the deckhand is just finishing painting the funnell. "look," says the captain, "He's done a fantastic job." "Very good, but ye can't trust em." At that , the deckhand picks up a broom, and starts sweeping the deck. The captain says, "But look, he's started another job without taking a break, and without being asked. Fantastic." "Ye can't trust em!" A massive tidal wave then sweeps the deckhand overboard, and the captain is in shock. A calm Ian Paisley says, "Oi told you, ye can't trust em as far as you could throw them. ". "What do you mean", says the bewildered captain. "he's stealing yer f'kin brush!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted February 27, 2004 Report Share Posted February 27, 2004 Husband Super Store ********************** Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and areextremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are F*CKING impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FTOF Posted February 28, 2004 Report Share Posted February 28, 2004 After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,and because the bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time, gravity and child birth had taken their toll and she reckoned that with five children under her belt she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I have received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient - that he wanted to show his thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy "The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pompey Posted March 1, 2004 Report Share Posted March 1, 2004 What do you throw to a drowing Moron fan? His wife and weans Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted March 1, 2004 Report Share Posted March 1, 2004 What do you throw to a drowing Moron fan?His wife and weans And a bottle of lanliq Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 Walkers Crisps,Official sponsor of Leicester City,have launched a new flavour of crisp today.Assault and Finger her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 (edited) What's the difference between Man U and Leicester City? Leicester are still in Europe.... Edited March 11, 2004 by chingford Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted March 12, 2004 Report Share Posted March 12, 2004 A man goes to his bank manager. Man: I'd like to borrow £200,000 to set up in the cheese making business. Bank Manager: And where were you going to set up this business? Man: A little place in Somerset England called Cheddar. There's a nice gorge there and some caves. It's really lovely. BM: But what are you going to market your cheese as? Man: I thought "Cheddar Cheese". BM: Don't be so stupid. There's already a Cheddar Cheese. It's one of the most famous cheeses in the world. Go away and have a re-think!! 2 Months later Man: I'd like to borrow £200,000 to set up in the cheese making business. BM: Where this time? Man: A little place in Wales called Caerphilly. BM: For god's sake man! - there's already a cheese by that name. Don't bother me again until you've really thought this through!!! 1 Month Later Man: I'd like to borrow £200,000 to set up in the cheese making business. BM (Exasperated): Where now??! Man: Israel! BM: Israel! now that could work. There isn't much of a cheese industry in Israel. What were you thinking of calling the company? Man: Well ... I thought ... "CHEESES OF NAZARETH". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted March 15, 2004 Report Share Posted March 15, 2004 why does paul dickov cry during sex?? pepper spray Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pompey Posted March 16, 2004 Report Share Posted March 16, 2004 For sale: one chariot (low-swinging, sweet type) in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off....again). One careless owner, details from Clive, tel Twickeham 19-13. Also, 100000 Grand Slam T-shirts, unused, with a choice of 1999, 2000, 2001 and 2004 seasons. Contact RFU, Twickenham. Lost: On way to Twickenham on March 8th, (i) plan B, (ii) bottle, (iii) graciousness. Contact: L. Dallaglio, C. Woodward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pompey Posted March 16, 2004 Report Share Posted March 16, 2004 Rangers fan??? Depressed??? Down in the dumps??? Can't talk about it to your pals??? Call 0800 10 10 10, That's 0800 Won Nothing Won Nothing Won Nothing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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