Kenny P Posted November 22, 2003 Report Share Posted November 22, 2003 What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman's legs?A clit across the ear, and a flap across the face That is crap....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paisleybuds Posted November 22, 2003 Report Share Posted November 22, 2003 This is true by the way, One of my Fud teachers (aka Morton Fan ) went I hope I'm not seeing you copying Steven, I went I hope your not seeing me either. Then I asked him a few days later if he would punish me for something I haven't done, he went of course not, even if you are a St. Mirren fan, I went good because I haven't done my homework. Got detention for the 1 month overdue homework but. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paisleybuds Posted November 22, 2003 Report Share Posted November 22, 2003 This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man. His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing. The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano,where'd you get him?" The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.." So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?" The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see." So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie. She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks." The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks." And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FTOF Posted December 11, 2003 Report Share Posted December 11, 2003 (edited) What's a shitsu ? One with no animals! Edited December 11, 2003 by FTOF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted December 11, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2003 Since it's nearly Christmas, is it OK if I mention the Coconut Dug Joke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted December 11, 2003 Report Share Posted December 11, 2003 whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? one snatches watches, one watches snatches Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted December 11, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2003 What's the difference between... A goldfish and a goat? One mucks about in fountains... A dachshund and a barrow boy? One bawls his wares out on the pavement... A bad marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and can't hit... An optimist and a woman in the bath? One has hope in his soul... I theng yaw... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted December 11, 2003 Report Share Posted December 11, 2003 Copyright "Ygorra" circa 1969....... What's the difference between a highly rated Chinese Chef and a lighthouse keeper ? Well, one ranks on his wok..... What's the difference between a man who notices a foul smell emanating from his volumes of 14th century Italian allegorical literature and a transvestite ? Well, one has a pong in his Dantes .............. Coat, please ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Sea Saint Posted December 11, 2003 Report Share Posted December 11, 2003 Copyright "Ygorra" circa 1969....... What's the difference between a highly rated Chinese Chef and a lighthouse keeper ? Well, one ranks on his wok..... You trying to get personal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSS Posted December 12, 2003 Report Share Posted December 12, 2003 Guy meets his pal in the pub and asks him what he's getting the wife for Christmas.Pal replies "Pair of slippers and a vibrator"."That's a strange pressie"says the guy."Not really,if she disnae like the slippers she can go f**k herself" BOOM BOOM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Biscuits Posted December 15, 2003 Report Share Posted December 15, 2003 A WOMAN has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted December 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2003 What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep wi a light on.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FTOF Posted December 15, 2003 Report Share Posted December 15, 2003 What did one snowman say to another snowman ? Can you smell carrots ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whosyirdaddy Posted December 16, 2003 Report Share Posted December 16, 2003 Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a c*nt stretcher," replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A c*nt stretcher." Of course the cop asked, "What's a c*nt stretcher do?" Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across." The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot c*nt?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtrooper Posted December 16, 2003 Report Share Posted December 16, 2003 A dad is having a shower one morning when his 4 year old son walks into the bathroom. The boy looks into the shower, sees his dad is naked and asks ' dad, what is that ?' pointing to his dads manhood. 'That's my hedgehog son.' replies the dad. 'Jeez' says the boy, 'some set of baws on it !!!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted December 17, 2003 Report Share Posted December 17, 2003 Oxo are releasing a new oxo cube. it will be coloured red white and blue and will be named the laughing stock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 whats green and gets people from greenock pished??? a giro Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted December 28, 2003 Report Share Posted December 28, 2003 A seasonal one... Last year was a quiet Ne'erday for us. As is traditional in oor hoose, Ms Chingford wants it spotless clean fur Ne'erday. Last year, I was sittin, havin a quiet can o lager, watching the box at 23.58 just afore the Bells and she walks in the living room tae nag... "What's the empty can doing?" I shrugged, but she wanted aw the crap oot in the midden (or 'bin' as we posh chingfordians call it...). The hoose had to be clean before the Bells. She grabbed the can and stalked oot the hoose. And was back in just as the bloke on the box announced it was 2003! We kissed and hugged, then she told me there had been a man oot lurkin by the bin! "Did he touch you?!?!" She shook her heid. "Did he say anythin?" She shook her heid again, "Naw.... He was... masturbating!" My jaw dropped, "What did you do?" She gave me wan o thae looks, "Nuthin! I ran straight back in here, after sayin to him - ' Aw the Best when it comes!!' " And awrabest tae you lot. At 6.00AM, I'm off to a place called 'scotchland' fur this year - way, way up a Skye. And may be at a football ground near you, next Saturday. AWRABEST WHEN IT COMES... KTF 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houston_bud Posted January 1, 2004 Report Share Posted January 1, 2004 why did the baker have brown hands?? he needed a jobby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TsuMirren Posted January 1, 2004 Report Share Posted January 1, 2004 This is true by the way,One of my Fud teachers (aka Morton Fan ) went I hope I'm not seeing you copying Steven, I went I hope your not seeing me either. Then I asked him a few days later if he would punish me for something I haven't done, he went of course not, even if you are a St. Mirren fan, I went good because I haven't done my homework. Got detention for the 1 month overdue homework but. That can't have been Mr Parker, surely! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chingford Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Got this from a pal. Not hilarious but rings bells.... Subject: THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP. 1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It is important to find a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Lees Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Or in TL's case (where is the fecker ?) just the one : - It is important to find a woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtrooper Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Did you hear about the women that walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre ? The barman gave her one ! BOOM BOOM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rank Badjin Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Did you hear about the women that walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre ?The barman gave her one ! BOOM BOOM. You are Tommy Cooper and I claim my £10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reidy1987 Posted January 20, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Did you hear about the women that walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre ?The barman gave her one ! BOOM BOOM. There was a group setting up in the corner of the pub and the sound engineer gave her one-two, one-two... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.