Yet Another Crap Joke

[chingford]

This MAY have been on this thread or another similar -cos I think I recall it...

ANYWAY...

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Greenock, New Zealand and Tasmania.

[chingford]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.

Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now, The Man should

be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." - "Oh, no need to

explain", Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have

you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies

are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. sometimes the living room floor is

fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try

several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure

you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has

to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure

you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby

pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs.

Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out

exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work

with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I

finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were

crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five

deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the

photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too." The mother was

constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when

darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels

began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...

equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my

tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need

to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the

hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[closet saint]

Oldie.....What's pink and fluffy and doesn't move?

Mrs. Tebbits' slippers..

[HSS]

If it's cannibals you want to talk about..................

Did you hear about the happy,Roman Cannibal?

He was gladiator

Did you hear about the 6 year old cannibals Son?

He was 8 before he was 7

Did you hear about the vegetarian cannibal?

He only ate swedes

That's enough,I'm getting hungry.

Edited February 24, 2007 by HSS

[elvira]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

oh well..........................

[Kenny P]

An octopus walks into a bar & says 'I bet I can play any musical instrument!'

Bloke gives him a guitar & he plays it better than Jimi Hendrix.

Another bloke says, 'bet you can't play the piano!'

The octopus goes to the piano & plays it better than Richard Clayderman.

HHIBSS gives him his bagpipes, the octopus fumbles about with them for a minute & looks confused, HHIBSS says 'Ha, can ye no play it?

The octopus says 'play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I get it's fkn pajamas off!!!

[Kenny P]

The bagpipes or HHiBSS?

Both.

[closet saint]

....A joiner goes for an interview on a building site, the foreman walks up to him, says hello, and then throws a hammer 20 foot in the air, puts his hand through his legs and catches it, and asks 'can you do that?'

...'Aye', says the joiner, nodding his head.

...The gaffer then throws the hammer 30 foot in the air, does a back flip, and catches it. 'Can you do that', enquires the gaffer?, rather smugly.

...'Aye', says the joiner, somewhat bemused.

...The gaffer now throws the hammer 50 foot in the air, does 5 press-ups, a back flip, then puts his hand through his legs and catches it. But can you do THAT?

...'No problem!, says the joiner, 'So do I get the job?'

...'No', replied the gaffer, 'You've got too much carry on in your head'.

[closet saint]

Agraphobic nedfight...'Inside, Now!'

[Mrs SFS]

Agraphobic nedfight...'Inside, Now!'

Dear, oh fcuking dear.

[closet saint]

Dear, oh fcuking dear.

There's worse if you wish..

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

'Cos they've nae baws tae scratch.

[Sideshow]

American couple, English couple and a Scots couple on holiday. One morning their all sitting at the same table, the American guy says to his wife "Can you pass the honey, Honey".

The English guy on hearing this decide that he wasn't going to be outdone by the Yank and said to his wife "Could you pass me the sugar, Sugar."

The Scottish guy thought I'm not going to be outdone by they p**ft*rs and said to his wife "Pass me the milk, Cow."

[closet saint]

A Coo approaches a hoarse on a park bench, and says 'mooove ower'.

'Neeeigh chance', replies the hoarse...well, it is late

[Saints Slick]

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them, going to the toilet.

Guy says "I think she's nice"

Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter"

Guy "the patter?"

Guys mate "aye the patter"

Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls"

Guys Mate "its easy all you have to say is "hello" and she will say "hello". Then say "it's a nice day isn't it" Then she will say "Yes it is".

Then you say " but not half as nice as you!"

Then she will say "Oh thank you"

Then the patter will just flow"

Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go"

So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head, he walks up and says "Hello"

She says "Hello"

He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"

She says "Yes it is"

He says "but not half as nice as you"

She says "Oh thank you"

Few seconds of uneasy silence..............................

Then he says........................................

"Been for a sh!te then?"

[Bill Lees]

Then he says........................................

"Been for a sh!te then?"

I've always liked that joke......

[chingford]

This could also be an old one - I kinda recognised it before the punchline...

I recently picked a new GP.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A wee bit concerned by that comment, I couldn't resist asking him; "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meal is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or cycling?"

"No, I don't," I said. " Too much sun can cause skin cancer. "

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex?"

"No ," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why give a f**k?"

[stormtrooper]

A man and his ever nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. Whilst they were there the wife died suddenly. The undertaker explained to the husband that he could have the body flown home for £5000 or he could have his wife buried here for £150. The husband thought about it and decided he'd have the body flown home. "Why pay £5000 to fly the body home when you could have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150 which would be a great thing!" exclaimed the undertaker. The husband looked at him and said, "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead........I just can't take that chance".

[closet saint]

100 Jews listened intently to the Rabbis' speach. At the end of which he announced 'Right!, now we're going to have a collection for the poor', whereupon, one of them fainted, and the other 99 carried him out

[scottd]

Not much anti semitism in Eastern Europe these days

[closet saint]

Not much anti semitism in Eastern Europe these days

The stories i could tell you of my travels there a few years ago Scott, but not on a forum

P.S. mostly all good

[Mrs SFS]

A woman is walking down the street and stops at a pet shop where she spots a sign in the window which reads 'Good home required for clitoris-licking frog.' SHe can't believe her luck and enters the shop. As she approaches the man behind the counter, she says, "I've come in to ask about the clitoris-licking frog." To which the man replies, "Oui, madame."

[Mrs SFS]

Feeling rather daring, a grey-haired old lady goes into a tattoo parlour. "I want a picture of Frank Bruno on my inner left thigh and a picture of Mike Tyson on my inner right thigh." she says to the tattooist.

When he's finished, she looks at her new tattoos. Disgusted, she complains, "These are rubbish! I want to see the manager."

The manager comes out from the back of the shop and asks, "What seems to be the problem, madam?

"I wanted a tattoo of Frank Bruno and Mike Tyson, as they're both heroes of my younger days, but these don't look like either of them!"

The manager steps back to take a look. "Yes, madam, you're right, they don't. But the one in the middle is definitely Don King."

[Bill Lees]

Feeling rather daring, a grey-haired old lady goes into a tattoo parlour. "I want a picture of Frank Bruno on my inner left thigh and a picture of Mike Tyson on my inner right thigh." she says to the tattooist.

When he's finished, she looks at her new tattoos. Disgusted, she complains, "These are rubbish! I want to see the manager."

The manager comes out from the back of the shop and asks, "What seems to be the problem, madam?

"I wanted a tattoo of Frank Bruno and Mike Tyson, as they're both heroes of my younger days, but these don't look like either of them!"

The manager steps back to take a look. "Yes, madam, you're right, they don't. But the one in the middle is definitely Don King."

Hmmmm seems familiar. Didn't I hear the same joke but featuring Danny McGrain sometime recently?

[EL NOMBRE]

Go this in an e-mail.....

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds,she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters

and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then,

maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia."Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[Mrs SFS]

Hmmmm seems familiar. Didn't I hear the same joke but featuring Danny McGrain sometime recently?

Why would Danny McGrain want tattoos of boxers on his inner thighs?

Edited March 21, 2007 by sunny foxbar saint