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The Funny As Feck Thread

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Fair play to the Travel News dude on Radio Scotland. 

He says... 

" Take care on the M77 at the Newton Mearns junction as there are ladders on the southbound carriageway. 

Police are taking steps to remove them. "

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First Christmas Joke, time for the silly season to start!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get
into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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A Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old school boy.
The plane is about to crash and theres only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’ve to sort out the USA!’ Takes one and jumps
The pope said ‘I need one, I've to sort out the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Boris said ‘I’m the smartest man in England.’ He takes one and jumps.
Nicola said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting".
The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in England took my school bag

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